October

here s some cool bg music by a talented person

Hello guys,

   I got my account back! I lost my email and suffered from a consecutive chain of bad luck and good luck and yet again I find you between the oscillation. How is everyone doing? I see its pretty quiet on this website , wondering why. 

  As far as life updates go I moved out and continued my linguistic studies , this time in the Applied Modern Languages which means I will get certified in translations. It is pretty fun so far, my mental health is taking me back from achieving what I had in mind , until I reach a routine I can rely on it will be pretty quiet in my head. 

  Ironically, people seem nicer and more open to conversation, yet I feel like they re colder. This sense of hyper-individuality truly shatters my intuitive mind. Nobody truly emphasizes on the fact that we do need each other as a species. We started relying so much on technology and we don't really rely on one another anymore. Favors disappeared...why ask your friend for a ride when u can order an uber, or why ask your friend for a piece of clothing when u can buy and return from an online store, why ask your friends for music recommendations when you can just mindlessly tap the add button on a Spotify playlist ? BECAUSE THATS WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR ! YOU GIVE AND I GIVE AND WE DONT EXPECT ANYTHING BACK BUT WE GET SOMETHING BACK EITHER WAY! This is the only time we are ever in the same academic space together before we become adults stuck under desks and we use this time not to  hang out, not to talk about our feelings and fears, we spend it fearing being cringe and rejecting authenticity in a place where THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE for there to be a norm. Why are we doing this to ourselves fr?

  I m really manifesting to find some poetical friends, that feel deeply and have a different perspective on life than hustle culture, I am so artistically deprived for not being able to talk philosophy for hours with someone. And I truly feel like a clown sometimes for being so open with people and for being myself. I guess that comes with being in a foreign space with a bunch of strangers all looking for their significant groups. I am not taking not bonding with people as deeply as I want to as a rejection but as a redirection. I did find some cool talkative people along the way, I am truly grateful for that. 

  Also another thing that bothers me is that no one wants to take responsibility for random things and then ppl get mad for being led by someone that lowkey doesn't care that much. This mentality that no one wants to do volunteering and they only need to be paid to do extra shit ruins society. We would all function better if we could use our skills collectively to make the world a better place rather than doing everything for money, because at the end of the day you have more to gain from giving and taking things that are not monetized, like time, effort, care , attention etc. Do you realize that YOU make the world a better place not OTHERS.

  On the positive side I ran into random people and just started conversations, people are way more chill about socializing here , and I feel less intimidated by groups of people. I talk to people that in high school I would've never got the courage to talk to . To be honest I think my high school self would be scared to talk even to me now even if we re just half a year apart. I have all the things I prayed for, I am surrounded by love, I have food and shelter and a higher education. I will never stop being grateful for everything. And my way of expressing this is taking quiet moments of meditation and appreciation and also using these resources to improve or to heal/rest.

  Life is pretty good on the outside! It s my inner demons that I have to fight. And maybe that's why I am so lonely because maybe everyone else is the same, and I never bothered to ask them about it. I am so scared of being misunderstood that at the first ''redirection'' I give up and assume that I will never find people like me. I m sure I will, I m done listening to my anxiety. 

Thank you for listening to my rant, as always.

Bye guys!