being disowned and lost

Hey world.

I'm on here to just write about my feelings, i have posted similar on TikTok but i cant stand my parents finding out more stuff, so SpaceHey is my best bet to just rant online.

My parents found out I'm a transgender male and they since then disowned me and stopped paying for my college. Sure.  I realize college is expensive and I should be dependent and on my own.  But the job market is extremely bad and have landed no luck at all. I applied for several jobs, did some side stuff, but it is barely making any dent to my student balance. 

I had also gotten out of a long term relationship of 3 years end of February because he straight up ghosted me and just in general, hurt me.

With all these these things combined, I feel so unloved, and so lost. I did everything for my parents, going to college and getting good grades. I met so much to their expectations as they are Asian Immigrant parents. I lost them when they consumed MAGA media and now, I officially lost them because of my transgender identity. Not only that, I lost my long-term partner, who I needed the most, who I poured my soul and heart into, just for them to cheat on me and build the relationship with lies. 

I have never felt so fucking lost and depressed in my life. 3 of the most important people in your life, that you poured so much into, is now just gone. I feel like my whole identity has been stripped away and I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know why I'm still going to college because I only went just for my parents.

I'm on the edge of just giving up, life as a whole. I feel like no one is going to save me or help me. As much as I try to seek other romantic relationships, I get hurt in the end, which reflects back to me putting in so much effort, just to get nothing in the end.

Trust me, I tried to talk it out with my parents, but they just told me they would rather have me dead than be trans. So, it's either I detransition, or be gone. 

I'm trying to focus on myself and get my grades up, but it's just been so hard having to deal with these big issues when I'm not even in my 20s yet. I feel like I'm losing hope everyday and it's just been a shit show.

Thank you for reading this whoever you are and hearing my story.

I will try and update when I can.