Sometimes I feel useless☆

Hai! Jam here and ig today's topic is going to be about how I feel useless sometimes even though majority of people say I'm not.

Basically back in September my grandma had an heart attack in the early morning and turns out she had an hole in her heart. Ofc this made me feel guilty because the 2 days before that I was supposed to meet up with her but because I felt exhausted and didn't want to wake up at 10am and dress up and go out with her, I didn't see her. And to be honest I feel gugly. She recently got the surgery and she came back home to rest and me, my mom, and sister started taking care of her. My grandma had booked a cruise before this whole incident and my bf and I were also supposed to go. But because my grandma can't go because of her being weak at the moment, she wants my fuckass "aunt" to go. (Context: my aunt isn't bloodrelated or even my aunt. She's my grandma's roommate's daughter who she considers her as a daughter because my mom doesn't fit my grandma's standards ig but that's my grandma's fault.) And now my bf doesn't want to go at all cause my aunt kept making remarks about me and my bf fucking like bunnies on the cruise even thou I'm not sexually active at all and my bf is very Christian (though yes we have done it many occasions but ofc we don't do it often at all whatsoever because of my sex drive being very low). She also made fun of his eating disorder which he has arfid which makes it hard for him to eat majority of foods. So he doesn't want to go at all anymore. Ofc I can't tell my grandma this cause I already have asked what if he couldn't go because of my aunt and all that and she was like well you wont see her cause I'm making sure she leaves you alone! And I was like yk that's nice and all but my bf still doesn't want to go. Ofc I want to go still but my bf doesn't want me going alone on a cruise cause well tbh I don't blame him for him being worried about creeps on the cruise and also then I'm alone. 🙃  but now recently she had another heart attack and turns out the doctors missed something so now I'm honestly terrified to even leave her by herself cause both my mom and her roommate work. But she wants me to go still.  Today, I'm extremely tired so I stood home to take a day off for myself but my mom wanted me to go over to her house at 8am to take care of her and watch her and do other stuff for her and it's like I feel guilty for even wanting a break at this point. Plus om struggling with college cause of an appeal for my financial aid being denied and also trying to get diagnosed so I can get my financial aid back. And than comms are pilling up and then also trying to see my bf is just hard to juggle all at once. And atp I just feel depressed, tired, scared, my body is aching and I keep having sharp pain around my head and arms. And tbh I just feel useless. I feel like I'm not giving it my all. Even though I am giving it my all and I'm burning myself out. And tbh not having irl friends sucks ass cause all I have is my bf and his friends and they're just all guys. And I'm just tired. Ofc my bfs mom has gone through the same with her dad but it's like she's an adult and actually can do a lot more things than I can. I'm an adult but I have no job, no car, no drivers license, nothing that establishes that I am an adult. And it sucks ass. 

Anyways lemme know what you think and if there's anything I can try to do to not burn myself out more. Jam out.