the trans experience (the beginning 1)

as a wee young gamer in the pits of COVID-19, there weren't many instances for me to be indoctrinated. i didnt have any social media, didnt watch the news, didnt hear anyone talking in my small ignorant USA town, and my parents didnt really like talking to me that much either. all i played was Roblox, where hate speech and warnings about them transgenders and their all-inclusive agenda was banned. so, naturally, i discovered things i didnt know before.

i think every little kid over the age of 12 liked to troll online. so i, a silly little preteen, got it in my head that playing as a boy on Roblox was the funniest thing ever. other little girls would throw themselves at me and call me names and all around get disgusted and angry when i told them "im a girl btw". it was hysterical and fun, until i met a kind of person i had never met before.

  ( now, at the time, this wonderful person had identified themselves as a transgender man, but has since progressed in their journey and found themselves to be non-binary. so, as proper respectful etiquette, i will be referring to this person with gender neutral names and pronouns. still, keep in mind that at this time, im speaking to who we thought was a trans man. )

they first told me about a week into our long-term Roblox online friendship that they were transgender and wasn't born male. i was, at first, extremely curious by this. i'd heard the term maybe once or twice before, but it hadn't actually clicked to me that these people were real... and i decided to keep my little 'prank' that i was a guy going on for a little longer. a little longer turned into a month. then a few months.

eventually, me and my wonderful, queer, transgender online best friend considered ourselves close. we played together every single day for hours and hours. i realized how important this transgender person was to my life. but then the guilt started eating at me...

technically, ive been lying to my online friend for months now. i built this whole boy persona. i changed my interests over time just to seem more boyish. suddenly, my favorite color was blue, i loved first person shooter games, i liked male grunge fashion... and my name was Alan.

   funny part about where the name Alan came from:

   ( the reason i picked it wasn't because i was scrolling through baby boy names or my favorite character was named Alan... at the time, the word 'anal' was thrown around a lot. yeah. i was thinking about what name was closest to the word 'anal'. awkward.

   but then i looked up the name online and it said something about it meaning 'handsome' and 'little rock' and i quite liked that. )

    anyway...

so, i decided i had to tell my friend the truth. they deserved it for opening up to me and showing me all the most taboo parts of themselves.

and when the time came, where my fingers trembled over my keyboard... i typed those dreadful words.

       ⤷ "im trans too"

and i sent it before i could take it back. i couldnt help it. calling myself a girl just didnt feel right anymore. i loved being a boy. i loved my boy name Alan. i loved me.

i started reflecting. why it stung when someone said the name i was born with, why i looked at my feminine body with disoriented confusion and discomfort, why it hurt so bad when my little male friends i had when i was 7 years old started calling me 'cooties'...

so there it is. i found out i was trans by pranking people on Roblox and saying i was a boy until i met a trans person who showed me what happiness and comfort could await me. call it an infection, call it a disease, i dont care. all i know is that if i had been indoctrinated, if my classmates did tell me that transgenders are the devil's work, if all those news outlets saying transgenders were a plague of destruction... i would not be nearly as free and clear-headed as i am today. that's my story and i'm sticking to it.

i hope you liked reading, and i hope this maybe opened your eyes to how trans people find themselves. and if you are trans (hi Kym) feel free to type a comment and tell me about your experience too!

anyway, its 8:22 pm. its been a long, eventful day. i have math homework i still need to do. i actually woke up pretty well this morning. took out the trash, showered and everything. things are going swimmingly if i think positively enough. anyway, youre doing great. have a good night.

Thanks,

Alan