VENT (no major tw except for anxiety and i guess dissociation ? maybe?)

I dont really have anyone i can talk to this about, and i dont know if i even would want to talk to someone face to face about this. So if youre reading this, thank you <3

Recently ive had this hole in my chest, thats growing and growing. I didnt notice it at first. I thought it was just another depressive episode. My anger was just worst, my motivation was just worst. And that started about....5 months ago? Ive been feeling like this for 5 months now. i think thats a new record! 

Well anyways- the hole in my chest has transformed into dread. i feel like im on a timer and i dont know what happens when it runs out. I spend all day doing things to distract myself. Cleaning, crocheting, gaming, ive even started drawing again! But the moment i stop. the moment my mind isnt occupied, it creeps back in. Thinking of what i have to do the next day makes me anxious. Im terrified to get a new job. Even driving now fills me with so much anxiety. And ive always had issues but this kind of anxiety has never happend to me before. Especially thinking of my future (or lack of one) causes it. I dont have any aspirations or true motivations. and so much has already changed this year. so so much. And im scared. I dont want anything else to change. But it will and i cant stop it. im really tired right now. But i dont want to sleep because then im gonna think and thats never a good thing.

But the dread is always there. Just waiting.

And another things thats popped up in the past couple of days- a craving for attention. I want someone undivided attention on me. I want someone to just..praise me and pat my head and fawn over me. I almost begged my freind to keep playing a game with me after all our freinds had left the game because i feel invisible. Im not truly involved in conversations and when i am i freeze up and i dont know what to say anymore. Even when im around my freinds that ive known for about 10 years now i feel akward, like im talking to strangers. But i think im the stranger now. i think im a ghost. Im drifting, and i have nothing to tether me to this world. Ive started taking medicine for adhd and depression, and the few people in my life think im doing better. But im not. And they dont see that because they dont really talk to me, even the people in my own home. I wish i could just turn my brain off completely. Let my body run and do the motions, but essentially just be a robot.


im so tired