Crash Out Month

Does anyone wish that they didn't have a social life, a job, or a family just so you don't have to talk to anyone for a week? 

It's getting so difficult to balance my friends and my significant other and my job and school and my house life. It's stressing me out to a BUTT ton and I can't do anything anymore. I am consuming myself with so much entertainment in between the peace i have before I go to work or to school or to hang out with someone. I like doing these things, I find it so refreshing to hangout with someone, or to have a successful day at work. It's a lot funner than just sitting there in the desolate space of my room. But it gets so tiring at the same time. It's incredibly conflicting.

School is stressing me out a lot with so many assignments and soon deadlines and it gives me a headache. I feel sick to my core just thinking about it. I have a test tomorrow and I can't even study tonight because I have work. During my free period and lunch i have to work on an assignment that was due today that i couldn't even finished.

I feel so ill thinking about the fact that i handed in an assignment that was barely even filled out and i am so scared that my teacher is going to be so pissed off about it. 

This month has just become to difficult for me already. I wish that i didn't have to talk to anyone, say goodnight to my significant other. I just want my house to be empty, and it's just me. No one else to bother me, no one else even near me. I wish that it was just me, alone, taking care of all the pets, cleaning the disaster of a house we have. I wish i had the free time to play my video games, to study, to catch up on all my overdue assignments. 

i wish i didn't fucking work.

I can't quit though, I need to pay off an EF trip for school. I'm going to europe in april and i've already saved up 6,000 dollars. But i wish i wasn't going. i wish i didn't promise my friends i'd go. I'm not excited for it. Infact, i dread the trip a little. 

i'm sick, man. 

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I just want to be alone. I didn't know that something so easily said could be so hard to make come true. I dunno what's wrong with me anymore, i can't fucking do anything but at the same time i'm doing everything in between. sometimes i wish i could shove a screwdriver into my head to let my brain breath and release all the pressure that's built up beneath my skull. Maybe then i could see the world better, or even think clearly. Maybe i'd be able to manage my life better. 

I really do try to be silly and all fun in games, I don't like feeling gloomy or sad. I hate crying. So, I apologize for being all sappy and stressed out. I really do hate this feeling. But it's been holding me down for a long while now. maybe this will lighten the load a lil bit.