processing

i dont even know what to say or do at this point. i dont know what sort of response im having to that incident. freeze? i feel frozen. kinda like paralyzed in a sense. 

i dont want to call it trauma because it didnt affect me that much. it's a fairly common thing to happen, all things considered. but my mind is blotching it out like trauma. the way i responded to it was like trauma. it makes me nauseous and my heart sink like trauma. but i spoke of it to my friend so casually. even if after i felt that heaviness. 

that state where my face makes no movement and i can only do what is useful. where i can only walk to my destination. that sort of tunnel vision, though i am aware of everything around me. heightened. eye contact with a friend, not smiling or saying hi, just walking past because i've preserved all my energy for the next step. for making it out alive. 

i wrote everything i could recall down afterwards. my clothes wet and cold, covered in mud, i sat at my computer and typed. only when i reached the end did i finally remove those clinging garments from me. white socks turned grey. my mind stained with something i fear will not go away. 

i sent that email. i didnt read what i wrote twice, i just sent it, because i knew i'd second guess if i did. and now i am here, second guessing after the fact. it truly wasn't a big deal, yet seeing the severe response makes my heart sink. i am fine, but once others give me that pitiful stare, i wont be. my response wont be appropriate. maybe ill fall apart.

i was prepared to fight. to bite, to scream, to gnash my teeth and scare leave marks and scars that wouldnt fade. my footsteps were heavy, fast, they echo'd with the pace and weight of my waterlogged shoes. they knew i heard everything. they knew. they knew and thats why they said it. thats why they did it. they knew it would scare me. they wanted me to be scared. they wanted to test the waters because i was alone. i was alone because i am not normal. they see me as a toy. i am subhuman to them. i am not a man, yet i dress as one, yet i walk alone at night as one, so i must deserve fear. they must teach me a lesson. they must laugh about it on their way home. they must act like they will hurt me. they must leave no mark on me, but act as though they would tear me apart. they must instill fear into me so i know my fucking place as a woman in this world. they must imply it, just enough so they can deny that they ever did but enough so it leaves this stain on my mind. they must follow me home alone in the night. its their god given right. because im not meant to speak up. im not meant to say anything because i am ugly and alone. i never learned to be a real woman so i deserve to never say a word of the matter. 

i dont know how to continue on right now. to go about my day normally. to sit here and dutifully finish my work. i thought i would. i dont want anymore excuses. 

i want to go off into the woods. truly alone this time. where i can be myself, untouched by judgement and the politics of being an untrue woman. i dont want to make a statement every time i go outside. i just want to be me.