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**decided it's about time i get over my fear of sharing anything i write, so i'm gonna start sharing it here (the good and the bad)**
i want to be loved like stained glass in a cathedral
beautiful but too delicate to touch
luring you in with all my glory
until you find that the distance is far too much
and you can be my religion
the one who gets me through my day
clasped hands, kneeling at your feet
nothing else i can do but pray
i'll worship you
and in worshipping you, i live
defiled in my reverence
unclean in my love
proclaim my loyalty
as shards of glass litter the floor
crying out as blood flows from my skin
but at least i'm not alone anymore
and you can be my religion
the one who gets me through my day
clasped hands, kneeling at your feet
nothing else i can do but pray
i'll worship you
and in worshipping you, i live
defiled in my reverence
unclean in my love
i know i'm not worthy
of a second of your time
but without you i'm worthless
solitary, hollowed/hallowed, out of my mind
and you can be my religion
the one who gets me through my day
clasped hands, kneeling at your feet
nothing else i can do but pray
i'll worship you
and in worshipping you, i live
defiled in my reverence
unclean in my love
and you can be my religion
a long forgotten drug
my place of safety
but is it ever enough?
you're the true religion
the only one to get me through each day
gasped breaths, pleading at your feet
nothing else i can do, i'm your prey
i'll worship you
and in worshipping you, i'll live
defiled in my reverence
unclean in my love
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xXmascaraminervaXx
Forgot until looking at this post how similar song lyrics and poetry are! I noticed that some lines are a little clunky- the main one that I noticed was "Until you find that the distance is far too much." In literary prose it's always great to be extra descriptive, but in cases where you're working with something that's part of a metrical structure it can be distracting. In this instance, the word that stood out for me was "far" in "far too much." I think it would flow better if you removed that one word. Though, you can definitely make it work in a song depending on how you perform it- in fact a lot of my favorite parts of songs have "clunky" lyrics but with how they choose to pace their singing with the music it turns out beautiful. Otherwise, I love the theme+lyrics and could see this being a really good song! ദ്ദി(˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧
haha i had to go look back at that, my original version has that line as "until your hands find the distance is too much" which flows with the melody i have in my head for it. i have absolutely no idea why i changed that when i was typing it out, oops. there are definitely still some other lines that don't flow very well, but i'll get around to fixing those eventually. thank you so much for the advice!!
by flo; ; Report
Icarus of Silly Boys
You’re good at painting a picture with your words while maintaining a cohesive theme. A small piece of constructive criticism is that your vowel distribution between lines is sometimes inconsistent with some lines being notably longer. Words like “but” can often be dropped to make lines fit and no one will notice. However, this might be an intentional way for you to play with pace between verses, if so I’m sure it’ll make sense in musical context - that’s always the most important part.
If it’s not intentional a good way to practice getting only the REQUIRED words is practicing writing to a traditional meter like iambic tetrameter. Obviously you don’t need to limit yourself like that in your actual attempts at artistic expression, but it’s good practice.
Overall, it’s good though and without the musical context my feedback might not be needed. Keep expressing yourself, good luck!
i so appreciate the advice! i'll definitely give that a try, some lines are definitely a bit chunky even with the melody.
by flo; ; Report
Stepclaw
This is really neat!
I quite like the lyrics, it's a bit like poetry... but with a beat (which is easy-ish to tell from the way that the words/sentences fit and rhyme).
Good luck with overcoming the fear! :3
aww thank you so much!
by flo; ; Report
All good!
by Stepclaw; ; Report