I cant stop crying (TW sexual abuse)

I don't know what else to do with this pain I feel so deep in my chest.

I was scrolling through TikTok when a video popped up on my fyp. It was one of those videos with yellow text and images of cozy houses in the background. It said something like, "I will always be so sorry for what I did to you." It was referring to COCSA seen from the abuser's perspective, and how they didn't know what they were doing because of how young they were.

The comments were full of positive messages, people telling them they were both victims and people confessing how horrible they felt for ever having done that.

One specifically said, "I'm sorry you have to carry so much guilt, and I hope you can heal someday."

When I first saw this, I got angry. Not because I would have preferred the video to be filled with hateful comments, but because for the first time in so many years, I was confused about who I should be hating.

I was a victim of cocsa at a very young age (from 6 to 8, I'm not entirely sure how old I was). He was a preteen, and ever since I found out what they made me do was wrong, I hated my cousin deeply. I remember daydreaming at school about the most violent ways I could torture him to death because of how horrible I felt. I had trusted him so much; he was my favorite cousin. Whenever we visited my family, I would ask my mom if he was going to be there too.

I hate him so much to this day that I hope he dies and stops having the perfect life he has while I still have to wake up crying from nightmares about what we did.

I was angry because I probably understand the comments on the video. Something must have driven him to do what he did, whether it was unlimited internet access from a young age or whatever, but what the fuck did I have to do with it?

If we're both victims, I shouldn't hate him so much, but who do I blame? Who do I channel all this anger that makes my head hurt and makes me want to throw up into?

I can't stop crying. I can't stop crying because he'll just have a "sorry you carry so much guilt, you didn't know what you were doing" and he'll continue to be happy, while I'll be looked upon with pity by everyone who knows I was abused until the day I die.

Fuck my stupid baka life