the delicate art of being unmotivated and bored at the same time

how is it that i have everything in the entire world to do and yet still feel bored? i'll tell you why. its because im a little freak that cant bring himself to start ANYTHING.
ive gotten to that point in my life where ive either gotten afraid of failure or an addiction to instant gratification (as all modern teenagers get), and what the hell, am i right?

i say im into drawing, but i honestly am not. i only truly enjoy drawing when i feel instantly gratified with every line, and every artist out there knows thats not how that works. drawing as a skill and as a project are investments of care, patience and faith. and of the three of these things, i possess none of them.

i sometimes enjoy writing a little poetry or journal entry, but its sometimes hard to find anything i can talk about. i grew up in a small American town where every single cowboy boot-wearing, side-swept haircut/buzzcut-having, cishet boy will, honest to god, call you 9 different slurs and eat your grandma if you even say a word of your thoughts and feelings, especially if youre a minority. im sure i have a million different things i could write about as a little trans kid in a small town, but how am i meant to write complex poetry about any of it with this little shithead voice in the back of my head calling me 9 different slurs and eating my grandma??? anyhow, that doesnt really mix well with this instant gratification addiction ive got going on.

and do not even get me started on watching a new show or anime or whatever. i dont think you understand how picky i am. i genuinely would rather rip my own heart out and shoot it 57 times (haha). every show i watch, its either too cliche, too unrealistic, too unrelatable, blah blah, something something, not the same as xyz123. its genuinely pathetic. and its not like i can rewatch all my favorite shows because theyre just not the same as the first watch. its genuinely awful.

so, here i am. bored. a million things to do that i havent thought of or have thought of and dont feel like starting to do. and i have chores, man. chores ive been slacking on for weeks by now. its awful. its disgusting. i really need to do something about this.

if you can relate, then im sorry. at least we have each other. at least i can see you. but lets seriously do something about this together. we know why we're like this i imagine, and we vaguely understand the system that partly had some part in making us like this. one man can't do a lot about a system, but he can surely do plenty for himself, right?

so, i guess ive sort of found something to start. i predict many set-backs and disappointments, but my attention-span and overall happiness seriously depends on getting my shit together and refusing to be mindless and needing instant gratification. maybe in my next blog entry, i'll share my efforts.

in the meantime, im out of here. it's 8:18 pm. im turning in early for some american revolution event thing with my dad.

Yours,

Alan <3