10/18/25 ENTRY.05: am i wasting away? (vent)

if there was one feeling i’d wish to flush down the toilet or let it get sucked by a black hole.. it would be this dreading, heavy sense of worry that i’m not living life fully that my brain simply cannot function even with simple tasks like dusting the walls and taking out the trash.

i mentioned in my first blog that I desperately wanted to transcend time due to the countless things i wanted to do in such a short lifetime… and to my surprise, constantly having this mindset does have consequences. what do you mean i now suffer from headaches as soon as I wake up because i can’t stop thinking that i’m wasting my years away to a mundane lifestyle when i COULD be living a life more… exciting than this????

sure, one way to combat this worry of missing out on the “true life experience” is to be bold, leave your comfort zone, challenge yourself. but the thing is, i think i don’t have that much freedom to do so. I’m not financially privileged.. i’m physically and emotionally weak at this point of my life.. IM FIFTEEN, living with a family who’s duty is to protect their precious teenager from the “dangers” of the outside world. maybe i’m petty, maybe i’m letting my emotions type this out… i might not mean all that i’M saying later on. 

i’m aware talking to a random space here on the internet won’t do anything to help. but this is really the only way to allow my mind to relax even for just a little bit.

i need advice…. please tell me i’m looking at this the wrong way.