I love my mom :3 - A rant

Today, me and my friends were talking about grades, we entered gen high school this year and we're sophomores, its kinda the last year they prep you to pick a major, for junior and senior high school so we can start uni immediately after graduating.

So we were discussing on how rough the period has been because we constantly have tests even though we were still adjusting to the pace, especially with that phenomenon of time strangely passing so fast, and how our average grade has been going downhill (we have pretty high expectations) and i said id rather have my mom yell at me for a bad grade than have her just stay silently disappointed, and she really got surprised and told me "Really? I didnt know you cared that much, i dont see her as a kind and caring lady but just as a grumpy person sending you to errands all week long" (or something like that)

 And since then i couldnt stop thinking about what she told me. I dont see my mom as a bad person, its just that my friend complains a lot, but like, a LOT, so obviously its easy to complain about my problems; And me having a life as quiet and peaceful, most of the time, its only my mom or my family in general.

Cus like, i remember i once told her about how before last summer break, when my mom and i agrred on me taking the bus to go to school, the first thing she said was "damn, you're gonna get weight", and my friend told me it was pretty messed up, i just laughed it off cus i genuinely thought it was a joke, cus everyone knows that my main workout to stay healthy was the fact that i used to walk to school no matter the season/weather, so i could eat whatever i wanted cus id walk a total of an hour/day (middle school is 15min away, the way there to back home 30min, and id do this twice cus i eat lunch at home)

I thought she thought about it but i guess not, cus i also spoke about the fact my mom often made comparisons between me and my sister about how she was skinnier, taller, had long full her meanwhile it felt like i was just "the other daughter", but looking back, i guess my mom really didnt think she was harming me or making me insecure, she received a lot of criticism throughout her whole life, of course something like that seemed minor...

Plus at that time, my sister was being really whiny and always crying and venting to my mom, but at that time i knew my mom had plenty of things to take care of, not just us, so i didnt want to burden my mom with the way i felt too.

Now the issue is that, the more i left space for my mother to breathe, the more space my sister was allowing herself to take, ending in lil 11yo me to just isolate with my mom and sister bonding, while all i wanted was for my mother to feel okay

I think that i ended up building a lot of loneliness an jealousy that turned into resentment or something, because id feel left out or feel like my sister was being favored at the slightest thing. I also used to resent my mom a bit because in my opinion, my mom was "dumb", when my mom didn't even finish high school that she's pretty successful, she experienced a lot of things, she learned incredibly quickly, but obviously she wasnt a 100% fluent in french and didn't read a lot and i felt embarrassed, like i had to raise myself and didn't really have a mom. 

Even though my mom is a polyglot, an unmatched cook, incredibly adaptive and much more open minded. While some things she allows me sounds like basic stuff to a westerner, they're incredible mindset progress. Just in my own family, my aunts raise children the "typical way" and my mom is always disapproving. She never ever laid a hand on me but instead used words. Obviously she's, once again, a big progress in our family, but she's been scarred too and sometimes reflect the education she's been given when she was younger, so i dont blame her for yelling at me when she does. She just nags most of the time

Now that my sister graduated and moved out for her studies and its just me and my mom, i feel like i can see so much clearly my past and the way i felt, and even if, from staying isolated at the time i was growing up, leading to me being introverted and preferring to be alone when i can, I still have an amazing time with my mother. 

Sadly, high school is making me insanely busy (I have classes from 8 to 6 and dont even get me started on the ridiculous bus hours... so i end up leaving from 7 to 7 ;-;) we've been cooking and baking a lot lately, we'll be staying at my sister's place for ten days starting next monday.

There are plenty of other things i used to complain about, and i think some which my friend foud pretty messed up, but we dont have the same upbringing... (shes native french, im Comorian, just a french "citizen"). My mom always raised us to be more independent, because she had a lot of things to deal with she went through sickness, the process of immigrating to the other side of earth without even knowing the language, getting us housing, food and clothes, she educated us the best she could with what she had (which btw was amazing, at 4 and a half i was already fluently reading all thanks to her), she made it so that i always had a head start, leading to me being able to start learning english around 10yo cus i had the time to, and now at 15 being pretty much fluent, I joined a specialized English class that will get me an extra mention on my diploma, and i also had time to focus on Chinese and today i have a level 2 diploma, currently working for the third level diploma, im pretty good at maths, average in sports

My mom also raised us to be financially responsible, giving me pocket money on a teen bank account, letting me have my own subscriptions and letting me learn through my money management mistakes before i have adult money

She basically did everything for us no to go through the pain she went through. Obviously, she's still human, so she isn't perfect

Either way, now that i cleared my head and my heart through typing, i think i should shut up and stop complaining. But I genuinely didn't mean to make my mom sound like a bad person, i think there was a lot of unsaid things. Now the issue is that i didnt get to tell this to my friend, and its the holidays so i won't see her for another two weeks, what if she keeps thinking that my mom is a bad person?