its that time of the year again

it that time of year for me where everything either slows down or speeds up, where i start to feel more dull, more numb and more likely to think about harmful stuff and possibly indulge in those thoughts and even though i have my friends and girlfriend, it's still there, always actually, even in the summer or spring, even in my happiest moments, it's still there. i don't think it'll ever go away though. i don't even know if i want it to go away actually. i kinda find comfort in this feeling ig. it doesn't hurt or anything, it just is ig. sigh..