Well shit

I've lost all my friends it seems. Both irl and online.

My irl friends have stopped talking to me and anytime I try to reach out through text, they either don't text me back or say that they're busy. Something I suspected after making friends for the first time in years. I always knew it would come to this with the irl friends,. They're friends with me for about 2 to 3 weeks, and once I'm finally getting comfortable with them, and being myself, they cut me off and want nothing to do with me. That's how it's always been.

But my online friends, I don't understand. I've been friends with some of these people for literal years so the fact that they aren't messaging back or are just blocking me is strange. I don't know what I did or said, but I wish they would be up front about it instead of just ignoring me and making me confused.

I think that people just don't like me anymore. I don't understand what I did wrong because nobody will tell me what I did wrong, but no matter what I do, friendships never last for me. Since childhood, I'd always cycled through friends because people stopped talking to me or genuinely told me that they didn't want to hang out anymore.

I never kept grudges because people move on, but now I see a pattern. I become friends with someone and I put on a mask because it's easier to do, and then after a couple of weeks or even months, I start to let the mask slip and be myself, the person who I truly am. And when that happens, people stop wanting to talk to me.

Yes, I can be overbearing, yes I can seem desperate for friendship. But you start to notice why when you see the pattern. I can be negative and I can be extreme in some of my beliefs, but I am willing to learn and change, but when people don't tell me what I've gotten wrong or what I'm being stupid about, then I won't change. Because I don't know what you want me to do other than shut up, and I don't shut up.

People just seem to not like me and my obsessive nature about things that I like, as well as my denounce of idols and idolizing human beings. Treating normal everyday people like they're perfect is weird to me, but some people don't like that. They also don't like that I'm not in fandom spaces, which I get, but it's hard for me to get into fandom spaces because I know I will either obsess too hard, or not like the piece of media after 2 weeks.

I'm also very blunt, but I've never liked sugar coating things because it seems disingenuous and rude to basically lie about something to make it more palatable for people. I've also never been through trauma, so I can't trauma bond with people. I don't have a lot of interests like I used to. My mind is becoming blank now, and people that I've met don't like that for some reason.

As well as friendships being transactional now in a sense that I have to give someone something materialistic or something similar for them to keep hanging out with me. When I went to the mall as a teenager, I would buy stuff for my friends because I was the one always carrying cash for some reason. But when I didn't bring cash one time when we went to the mall, my "friends" got pissed at me, asking why I didn't bring any money like usual, I explained that I had to save up my money because I was planning on buying something expensive for myself, a computer. They got even more pissed.

I didn't understand until that moment that they were using me for my seemingly endless money, when I was in fact a broke teenager, one of the poorest kids in school actually, but they expected me to give up my hard earned cash for them, people that didn't actually care about me.

It's a constant cycle of being used or being left out because of something about me. I hate being treated like an accessory, I guess that's why my closest friends aren't even my friends, they're my family, because all they expect from me is to bring a dish to the family potluck or to make a gift for Christmas. They don't expect much other than my company, and that's what I want from friends, company. I also want people who like me for me. Yes I put on a mask when I first meet people, but that's what society has taught me to do. To hide my true self because people won't like the real me, and I guess society is right on that part, people don't like the real me.

Anyways, this is just some stuff that I've been thinking. I've been crying myself to sleep thinking of this and all my past friendships.