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I' ve been dealing with self-harm and suicidal ideation since I was a little kid. It's weird how since I became conscious of myself as an individual, I felt like I had the power to end my life. I saw suicide as an option, a way to numb the pain and the weight of existing in a world that I didn't ask to live in. Suicide, for me, is a way to have power over my life ; if I couldn ' t choose to live, at least I want to choose how and when I ' m dying.
Especially when times are hard, I become more aware that this world wasn ' t meant for me . I ' m neurodivergent, and maybe that ' s why since I was about four years old, I feel like I don ' t belong . But ending myself really seems like an escape, like an easy route to relief . I want to live, but I don ' t want to exist in this world. I´m constantly waiting for change ; it's what gives me hope.
Maybe one day I ' ll find a stable place where I can be comfortable and loved, and maybe relax a bit, because I´m tired of being this way.
Self-harm is also a really dangerous habit to have because it regulates you so easily ; it dissolves strong emotions, but it becomes an addiction . Life is harder for me when I'm better - when I'm clean and not suicidal . Then I have to handle the fact of my own existence without a quick relief, and it's not ending soon nor by my own terms either.
Being suicidal freezes you in a state of isolation due to derealization, not necessarily for being physically absent. Some people lock themselves in their houses, but I'm living a really active life. However, it doesn't feel like mine . I dissociate from my own feelings and my own experiences , maybe to not feel so attached to them so I can end it. I sometimes enjoy life ; even for long periods of time, I feel happy . But even then, I dissociate. I ' m detached from my own reality ; it' s like I'm watching a movie.
Self-harm is also a really dangerous habit to have because it regulates you so easily ; it dissolves strong emotions, but it becomes an addiction . Life is harder for me when I'm better - when I'm clean and not suicidal . Then I have to handle the fact of my own existence without a quick relief, and it's not ending soon nor by my own terms either.
Being suicidal freezes you in a state of isolation due to derealization, not necessarily for being physically absent. Some people lock themselves in their houses, but I'm living a really active life. However, it doesn't feel like mine . I dissociate from my own feelings and my own experiences , maybe to not feel so attached to them so I can end it. I sometimes enjoy life ; even for long periods of time, I feel happy . But even then, I dissociate. I ' m detached from my own reality ; it' s like I'm watching a movie.
I sometimes feel better, but every time I don´t it´s worse and worse. I need help and I´m on the process on getting professional help, on the meantime I´m quiting self harm for the third time in my life and the last one if I´m strong enough. Wish me luck :)
Edit: 7 months clean of SH!
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Entiendo todo lo que has contado perfectamente porque lo he vivido también. Cuando llevas tantos años teniendo ideación suicida y/o comportamientos autolesivos, es muy difícil deshacerlos porque se vuelven la nueva norma. Parece mentira que haya gente a la que ni se le haya pasado por la cabeza la idea de quitarse la vida, porque para mí y veo que para tí también, es un evento diario.
Me alegro mucho de que estés dejando las autolesiones, cada intento será más fácil, muchísima suerte :)
Muchas gracias por tu apoyo lo aprecio mucho la verdad. Ya he estado unos 2 años limpia antes y luego tuve una racha de un año que rompí recientemente, espero que esta vez sea la definitiva porque como ya has dicho es bastante difícil salir de ahí.
by Im.a._.dyke; ; Report
𝐻𝒜𝐼𝐿𝐸𝒴 𝒢𝐿𝒪𝒪𝑀𝐼𝐸
I'm so sorry you've been struggling for so long :( I'm SO proud of you for attempting to quit SH, that's a huge deal!
Stereotypical advice, but have you tried taking antidepressants? They have helped me immensely
Thanks for ur comment. I live in Spain, and antidepressants aren ' t prescribed without a very good reason. They have tons of side effects and weren´t compatible with my ADHD medication. Just when I stopped taking my ADHD meds, I stopped going to my psychiatrist. Plus, I had just mentioned my depression in the last two sessions and then quit for personal reasons. Now I ' m in a new city, and I want to try again with a new psychiatrist and without taking any meds (except for the depression ones if it's extremely necessary ). Thanks for your advice, though.
by Im.a._.dyke; ; Report