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I suppose I could start this blog with a warning that I will most possibly sound very vulgar throughout it all, apologize for that, sometimes I cannot contain myself when talking about this topic.
So, what is it? you might be thinking, something personal but I think more people should know about myself
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As some of you might know, or not, I love women, making myself a proud lesbian, now, I love women so much it is sickening, to the point I sometimes question If I, myself, am a man for the way I think of other women.
All women, as a whole are just so pretty, I get distracted by the thought of women; tall, short, serious, funny, outspoken, shy, etc. It doesn't matter, women are just too perfect, BUT! I know there must be some awful women out there, so I look the other way, ignore them because they don't deserve that privilege of being acknowledged, they disgust me in the way a man does; If you want a very good insult to say to a woman tell them something along the line of "Stop acting like a man" that would be pretty hilarious to see more of.
I don't have a partner (Ladies one at a time) but the thought of one is a bit... I don't know, I like seeing women from afar the same way I watch bugs walking around, they look pretty, sometimes I might let them get close but without knowing their intentions I am scared of what might happen, they might hurt me or they could be a good experience I might remember forever... who knows... I am probably missing out in a lot since I don't talk with women enough
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Today I had a dream where I was a young lady, friend with a young mermaid boy (triton), he had to hide away since he was being persecuted by his nature, so I had to take care of him, steal food and run away from his hunters, it was sweet in a way, but it was as if we were in an already written show, we were meant for each other in a romantic way, I didn't like that; then, a time-skip happened, and luckily for me, I wasn't myself anymore, and now the two children were now two full grown adults, even they were married with children, still running away from persecutors.
That was a sweet story (most of it) but the mere thought of being with this guy made me feel disgusted, and a feeling I am not sure how to describe, repulsiveness, maybe that is the word I am looking for...
Happens a lot in my dreams, a conventionally attractive guy will show up as a romantic interest, but I am so disgusted and afraid that I don't want to get close or interact with them, and then, when I wake up, I have this feeling of discomfort that makes me feel uneasy, and then I remember I don't actually like men and the feeling passes in a few minutes.
Oh! to have a woman by my side in every dream to cease my fears! (prayers)
And when I dream about women it is so short I get sad, it will be the most romantic and passionate story you have ever witnessed in the span of what feels like a few minutes, and then, I wake up, and cry, using daydreaming to prolong that feeling of happiness I once had... it never lasts.
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Maybe it is my subconscious telling me, almost screaming, "You will never find a girlfriend, stick with something that always works"... when in my day to day life I see a man, it will maybe be an old man in the bus, maybe a classmate, a server, doesn't matter, I will think to myself "How would anyone would ever like this thing?" I see friends, thirsting over real life "crushes" (maybe that is a very childish word, not sure how to refer to these people), they will show me pictures, and my only thought is "ew" or "you like this?" but of course I will say "get better standards, please", I cannot be the only one, can I?
The weird thing, a woman with man's features doesn't disgust me in the slightest, I remember seeing a TikTok with a woman with a little dyed mustache, and I thought it was so attractive... I don't know, maybe because it was basically a thirst-trap, but my golly I still remember that woman to this day... but then there are trans men, I won't get into it much, but as the name implies, still a yuck for me, sorry my fellow trans men, you rock, but not in a way I like.
Anywho, that was my rant, ladies... call me Wink! (◍•ᴗ<◍✿)
Disclaimer!! I don't hate men at all!!... maybe just a little bit, I just don't like them romantically (or any other way of love)
Praying these dividers work... it would look so cute, don't say anything if they don't work!
Comments
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Ilyas
Unrelated but your username means vagina in german btw
Believe it or not... I have heard this a lot by now, german friends mention it a lot!
I think is hilarious giving my background, thanks for the comment, it is always nice to remember how my username has double meaning
by Mushi; ; Report
Wait its an actual name lol?
by Ilyas; ; Report
It may be! I actually get the user name from Japanese; now, I am sure someone, somewhere might be called Mushy
by Mushi; ; Report
Tevi
In my opinion our brains have a strange way to deal with things we cherish and often it does so by showing us the opposites. For example I'm aroace and have absolutely no interest in real life romance but I do love it in books and such. I giggle like a little girl just by reading fluff. I had dreams about being with other people but when I wake up I'm just like "well that happend (• ▽ •;)". I think our brains just like pollar opposites, so don't take that to much to yourself. There are plenty of fish in the sea and even more attractive woman so you will find someone after some time (ㆁωㆁ)
This is an interesting perspective... dumb brain and its opposites, thanks for commenting! Now I am thinking more about this than I should, with this new perspective specially..
by Mushi; ; Report
i can relate, i don't have any attraction towards men but reading anything about guys being in love (heartstopper, pegoryu, etc) makes me giddy, tbh even more than most wlw/nblw stuff i've read/seen. i used 2 think it was weird and questioned my sexuality bc why would i enjoy reading stuff like this so much but this comment made me realize that it probably doesn't actually reflect much abt me aside from the fact that i just find it cute.
by animalnitrate; ; Report
its_mellover
guhh i have the same thing with dreaming and relationships (except in the opposite way, i'm gay lol lol)... i've had like. more dreams than i'd like where i'm in romantic situations with women, and they always make me super uncomfortable...
i also, while kind of wanting a relationship, can't really imagine myself in one with a man. kind of same sort of situation with looking at them from afar, maybe. also makes me a bit uncomfortable, specifically the thought that it's *me* dating someone. alas...
Let's make a deal, interchange dreams, how about that!... I am kidding of course, I wish that was a thing, experience someone else's dreams... woah... the thought of that makes me excited.
Anywho! Kinda amazing to see it is both ways for lesbians and gay men, this feeling of... discomfort?
*starts transferring dreams about attractive men to you*
by Mushi; ; Report
bj
i feel like im the same. heres my thoughts on why its that way for me personally. im a gay man, my whole life all the media and the people around you say about us is that we are gross. when youre out as gay, often you may get bullied too. sometimes if enough people tell you how gross you are, you start to believe it. and then when all of a sudden theres a person who likes you youre all like ew?? but have u heard about how gross i am?? and its your own brain telling itself that its gross because thats all youve been told about it . ive also realised that even people who arent outwardly bullied, specifically if youre gay, its impossible to never hear about anyones negative views on gay people. even if you dont agree with them, or if you dont necassaraly care about them, the way that our brains work is they will take in that information anyway. not sure if anything i said makes sense or is relevant to you, but if it is the case you must learn how to unhate yourself so that you will feel comftable are deserving when other people dont hate you. sorry if this is worded badly or just not correct for you personally!!!
These are really nice words, and I very much appreciate the concern but I don't hate myself for being gay at all! Rather the other way around but you know... society and all that, since most of my time I spend it in queer spaces I dont normally see hate towards me which I am most grateful, but anywho, thanks for your words!! Even if they don't apply to me they are very nice!
by Mushi; ; Report
i am glad they dont apply tbh. i wish you best on your journey either way!
by bj; ; Report
chi(ffon) ♡
I totally get how you feel, as someone who constantly has to deal with family members and other factors (my comphet) telling me that I should like men instead. I promise you though that the way you love women will never be comparable to a man's love for women. The way some men love women aren't actual love, it is the obsession of possession over someone weaker and more vulnerable than them. Sometimes, they want a woman by their side because they believe she will fix their problems and take care of them, and that's just not how love should be. Your love will never be comparable to a man's because you don't have a harmful mindset on women that oppresses them. You have your own way of loving women, just like how I do. It is intrinsically unique to each person. Your love is all yours.
This is so dumb, I mean my feelings, not what you said! It make me feel kinda emotional in a good way to hear this words of comfort, thank you stranger!
by Mushi; ; Report