DISCLAIMER: Read before entering!

Welcome, dear reader!

The winds* have blown you to my nook on this website, and you stand before the entity called My Blog. Well! If you are here, I might as well introduce myself and give some pointers to what awaits you here.

My name is ________, also known as 4:30 AM**. As you can see, I am intensely careful about my personal information, which could lead to my physical body. For all intents and purposes, I wish to be and stay a random voice on the internet - a mask I crafted to be as truthful as I can be with everything else.

Something you will soon discover, is that this blog has one purpose, and one purpose only. It is the place where I can be honest to me and to you, dear reader, about my mental health. I need a place where I can put into words that which I otherwise cannot. And these are often sad, melancholic, desperate, angry and cruel thoughts.

My blogs are not here to entertain. Sure, most of the time I will have at least a modicum of creative joy in writing them. But I write these for myself, first and foremost. So that I can unload that which burdens me. My dream is that at one point, I will be someone I can accept. But this works only if I am able to accept things from my past and present which are deeply wrong - to others, as to myself. Things like physical and mental violence, sexual assault, self-hurt and substance abuse. All these things I have committed. 

I do not say this to shock or to take pride. No. I kept these things in myself for so very long, cutting pieces out of me. My hatred for what I am is very strong. Sometimes, when I write a text talking about it, it feels like just another act of self-punishment. I do not wish to punish myself any more. It does not help anything - neither my victims nor myself. I spoke to all of them, when they wished to. And I was granted forgiveness - a fact which I still cannot fully understand.

If any of my writings trigger something in you - either because of personal experience or of things you learned from others - I am so terribly sorry that you had to go through this. This does not right any wrongs, especially from someone as me. But I can still keep you in my thought and hope that you are doing better these days. It is the least I can do. I do not expect you to like me, or develop sympathy. I just wish to show and accept who I am, so that I will never return to the mistakes of my past. Having spread this much pain, I need to stop it. But that doesn't work if I keep my eyes closed to what I have done.

If you wish to leave, then I have no right to hold you. You owe me nothing. But if you wish to hate me, I only have one request: please think about why you would hate me. Was it me who hurt you? Or am I just wearing the face of the one who broke you in your mind's eye? I will respect your wishes if you do not want to deal with me. But, please, respect my wish that I do not want to be a sock puppet for who or what truly hurt you. I have hurt my victims, which I take responsibility for. Not you. Nothing binds me to you, or vice versa.

If you are still here by now, then I am glad. But as an act of common courtesy, I will list the knifes hidden in the grass. These are the ones where I am not sure if I wrote them as an act of self-punishment, or self acceptance. They are not nice. They are filled with this deep violence I tend to bear against myself. If you read them, you have been warned.  

• Group Therapy
• The Drug called Care
• Violent eyes, violent mind
• The hook in my guts
• Bleeding gums

** The time I tend to wake. Sleep is not a friend of mine. And at 4:30 AM, my thoughts are the most raw and unfiltered.