Being in a standstill, a blog [22]

hihi,
how are you today, silly? I'm on a mental break I think. which is really bad. bc i cant take a break. idk what to do guys.. this is very much on the negative side and I'm sorry. it's not all bad tho. go to the end if you wanna see something less shitty :D (if you see a pumpkin fellow, read read) it's a longy but a goody today!!!!

  it's hard when it seems like your RIGHT THERE to breaking through a mental barrier that's holding you back, but when your still in the same environment that caused all of it you can't go anywhere. you can't get any better. you still have school work to do that YOU DONT WANT TO DO! because YOUR NOT GOING TO COLLEGE, you DO NOT CARE, and it means absolutely nothing to you anymore. it's so odd because I was the kid always getting As and Bs while my brother's failed. I loved school as a kid. I was always seen as the kid who would have a bright future. part of me wishes I didn't even bother trying to figure out my mental health because maybe I'd still be masking and maybe I would've just got through school like everyone else. maybe I would be a better human that way. Idk. Idk if I can do this. idk if I'll be able to support a small family like I want. if I can't do school... how can I do a job? how can I provide? how can I ACTUALLY be useful?

  I'm stuck being a bum again. I know that's a harsh word, but I'm not doing anything. no new projects, no new hobbies, nothing to get excited about, nada, zip. ask me what's going on in my life and I'll just say I'm in a relationship. that's the only thing worth while in my eyes... there is nothing else to talk about. ask someone who knows me what I'm doing and I bet they wouldn't be able to provide an answer that doesn't involve them. I'm constantly doing things with other people, but when it comes to my own stuff, all I got is this blog shit. I'm FOR SURE not doing chores or self-care in the slightest to help with that hopelessness. it's like.. I do everything in one night, then deicide, "yep that's enough!" NO MATTHEW, showering for the first time in 4 days, and doing laundry that was a weeks worth, in one night, is not enough. it's so annoying too because I keep on top of others, but who am I to do that if I can't even do things myself. 

  back on doing nothing with my life, I wish I could do something. this is where I feel like I'm in a standstill. I want to get out of the house, talk to new people, get uncomfortable, but I'm FORCED to stay in this house. I'm so scared that staying in this house for over a year (and on going) without a human connection to talk to other than my family will affect me terribly. I'm so isolated. I don't want to be. I'm not doing this to myself. if it were up to me, I'd go to the library, join Pokémon club there, and talk to people around my age. if it were up to me, I would drop out, get my degree later or something, go get a job, work towards moving out, seeing the love of my life, and finally feeling a sense of independence. I can't do that though. none of that. I've wanted to drop out for like.. 3 years now.. but I've gotten this far. can't drop out now is what I'm told. just get through it. still a goddamn year left though..

  if it were all up to me, I would be job hunting right now. I would be doing commissions. I would be working out. I would be working on moving out and getting my own health care. I would be working towards physically transitioning. I would be working on getting actual mental help so this stops happening to me every year. (a mental break I mean) I've wanted this for so long. too long. it's been too long. it's been too long of having no friends to hang out with. it's been too long of not holding a conversation in person with anyone besides my mom. It's been too long of feeling like I'm worthless because I cant do shit. I'm so tired of this. I want to be a somebody. I want to be someone to be genuinely proud of. I don't feel like that right now in the slightest. what is there to be proud about? "oh, oh wow, your being so brave by talking about this!!!!" yeah right man.. yeah right. this all crushes me so much because I am in a fortunate position, but I'm wasting it. yet it's not even my fault that I am..

  I'm still so scared all of this will affect me for years to come and I know it will. I will be working on healing from all this years after I've left it. I'll be in my 60's and maybe I'll still be in a rut. I don't know. but I do know what I need right now. I need to get out of this fucky ass house, but I can't. so what do I do? how do I come out of this? each time it happens I never know. I don't think I've ever gotten out of it, I just pushed it to the side, that's why it's worse each time.

  even after all this I still can't bring myself to say, "I hate myself" or "I hate my life" anymore. at least not in a genuine way. sometimes I just say it because I'm breaking down in the kitchen while I'm making a pizza because I can't cut it properly. and the weight of the world is on that pizza. BUT I seriously don't hate my life. oh yeah, I hate the situation I'm in, but it's not going to define my whole life. it's not going to erase the three people in it that makes it worth living. it's not going to erase the time we have together.

  when your going through shit, what really matters is your mindset about it all. at the end of the day, who are you spending your time with, what are your goals, how are you going to treat yourself while your in it? you lose that sometimes. you lose what you wanted in life. I know I do. it feels like I always come back to the comforting self ending thoughts. it was all I had for what felt like forever, but now I'm scared to die. I'm scared to leave the people I love. I want to be by their sides for as long as possible. so I'm holding onto that. no more attempts. never again. whatever happens now I'm living. life will get better once I get to my mom's, so I'm holding out, I'm holding out till I graduate too.

  TMI!!! TMI!!!! I know, I know, but I don't care 😭. privacy doesn't exist anymore and your kidding yourself if you think it does. MY DIGITAL FOOTPRINT IS SOOOO BIGG!!!!!! target on my forehead!!!!! like I've said in past blogs, I really just want to share my life. who knows, this could be a relic or something in the future lol.

  man guys I'm so hungrryy.. I was up late last night and OOO was my stomach growling. it's growling now too, but I'm not going to eat. Idk why my appetite killed itself the way it did. it's only really bad when my dad is home go figure. anyways, I miss eating a bunch. I could be eating and eating and eating.. now it's like I hardly eat anything at all. I'm worried for myself. I keep losing more and more weighhtttt.. I can't exactly go to the doctors any time soon, so I bet it's fine! I also bet it just has to do with my mental health. it wont be like this forever, it'll get back to normal, soon enough. I'm still hungry though, right now, and hot. hungry and on the verge of sweatinggg.... I'm excited to eat though in like 4 hours :D I'm going to try to eat the pizza I cooked yesterday. leftovers are sooooo goodddddd. I LOVE LEFTOVERS! I also love eating new things too. leftovers and fresh food ooo yyyuuuummmmm 🤤🤤 I might also eat the uhhmm sausage egg cheese breakfast sandwhich thing!!! those are soooo good too. I WANNA EAT IT ALL!

  I really am trying to think of positive things to say that dont involve others and our personal lives. OH! DANDY'S WORLD! OMG! I LOVEEE THE NEW HALLOWEEN UPDATE SO MUCH!! I can't wait to get Gourdy though I only have like 19 research on him? UGH! I want him soooo badly.. every time I get on I all I want to do is play Gourdy, BUT I DONT HAVE HIM! 

THIS IS HIM BTW LOOK AT HIM. LOOOKKKKKKK. okay also his stats are SO GOOD. at least for me. He has a great extraction and speed and BAD STAM BUT THATS OKAY! he's my toon... he reminds me of Yatta, WHICH I STILL LOVE, but I hardly play her. shes about the same as him so IK I WILL LIKE HIM! Yatta was my main, now I main Shelly mostly because, if you want to play this game.. you gotta play mains... UGH! Main toons btw are like the "top tier" toons while everyone else is considered "okay". BUT MAN! all the toons are great in their own ways if you know how to play them. I DON'T LIKE THE META!!!! anyways Gourdy is my new main b4 I've even got him. (I was gonna call him my new love but he's canonically a child so FUCK NO. 💀 I just wanna play him and I LOVE HIS DESIGN!!! he so silleyyy ^w^) HIS STORY IS SO SAD THO!!!! LIKE ITS SO SAD. like, he had parents, but he can't remember what they look like. A THEORY I HEARD which I liked is that they were real in the show (basically in DW all the Toons were apart of a show THEN they were created with Ichor) but once he was materialized THEY WEREN'T. so he has the memory of them but has no idea what they look like. a theory Bunny (MY BEST FRIEND!! I love playing DW with him OMG!!) made was that the parents never had faces to begin with? yk how in some kids shows the parent's are never heard or their faces are never shown? LIKE THAT! IDK THO EITHER WAY IT'S SO SADDDDDDDDD. I love him tho I would take care of him. can I be his handler PLS PLS PLS!!! lollllll

  outside of the mental issues, and the situation I'm in, and the fact I can't do anything, I'm happy. I can still smile sometimes. I still feel love. I don't always feel depressed. I don't always feel dread. it's nice. I knew this was possible before. truly, I thought I would always be in a pit, but I'm not anymore. physically, I can't move out of this chair, but emotionally I'm so much more than I've ever been. I have to give myself credit in that at least. I can't do more than just be there for myself in my mind prison. I'm doing an okay job in that.

  I'm still scared to ask for help though. I'm scared to ask, "hey, you think you could be here for me for a bit?". I'm still scared to tell people things. I'm still scared to be less than okay because all I want to do is be there for others. I've always thought of myself last, despite knowing I shouldn't, but I can't do that anymore. I gotta look out for me too. I matter too. we all matter. I don't know why I'm so scared to ask for help. Is it pride? or is it the feeling of knowing I wasn't good enough to do it by myself? is it the fact that I'm scared to depend on someone else that isn't myself? I don't have to feel these things though. I have a shoulder to cry on. someone who be there for me and I'll be there for them. it's beautiful and I am forever beyond grateful. still it's really hard for me to open up. I always feel like my problems are no where near anyone else's. so I keep it to myself. I keep my life to myself. I really do need to stop though because it builds up and I can't handle it the way I want to. things come out wrong. things don't turn out the way I wanted them to. it's all because I can't share things that seems so simple to.. mm I don't know how to fix this still. I'm trying to just, open up, but it seems like I can't do it in the right way. I'm always too blunt, or not clear, and it just leads to me shutting down.. IT HAPPENS, but I'll figure it out.

  I really should get on with doing my school work. I got like 13 overdue assignments, probably closer to 25, but eh... it's such a waste of time to me. I don't learn a damn thing anymore. I'm not going to get some crazy degree, get some dream job, I'm gonna live pay check to paycheck, THAT'S MY GOAL! (I'm not romanticizing it or glorifying it. I know how hard it is to live paycheck to paycheck. all I'm saying is that I don't expect much and I would be happy to live at all.) I'm such a simple man. a simple trans dude who has simple life goals because he didn't expect to make it this long so now he's just happy to be here. he's happy to deal with whatever life gives him as long as he has his loved ones. all he wants is to give the love of his life his garden, in some nice little town, make him homemade lunches every morning, with kitties and puppies all over the house. is that too much for a trans dude to want? :]

  ik someone out there is RAINING ON MY PARADE and is like, "well, er, Matt, you know you CANT DO THAT, without a high school degree, so you NEED to do your WORK, you little piece of sh-" AND HEY MAN, lets not think of it that way! (and also why the hell are you so goddamn mean to me jeez...) who knows where the world will take me. it's all fucked up rn! the world is fucked. it doesn't have time to fuck me over righttt.... yeah I know I need to get my shit together, SORRY! I will, just give me a bit, give me a little time.. for what? I don't even know. I just need a moment, I suppose. this is my small break.. and I hope I can get back to living like a person again!!

  SORRY I KNOW I AM A PERSON! it's just I feel everyone is telling you your not a human being if your not productive. if ur not working towards something in this exact moment you mean nothing. it sucks. I'm none of that. I'm just going through something.. but maturing, growing up, is realizing that the world doesn't wait for you. as sad as that is.. so you gotta keep going. be there for yourself. be there for others. let others be there for you, too. because at the end of day we're all people and we're all going to die. all the work you put into  what we leave behind on this Earth truly doesn't matter. so live. live right now. live while you have life. one day you wont have that. one day someone you know wont have that anymore. someday you wont be able to say "I love you" or hear a response back. so live.

  I got so uh, extensional, SORRY AGAIN LOL. I've been thinking about death a lot. not in a negative way though like I used to. I'm scared of it now. I'm scared of someone I know dying and I wont be there to see them go. I'm scared I wont be able to say goodbye in the way I wanted to. man. I'm so young. it's crazy that kids, teens, young adults, have to think about this kind of stuff so much. WELL ANYONE! ANYONE AT ALL! it's just pushed into our faces yet we still don't even know what living feels like yet. it's insanity. every person needs therapy ASAP!!! prove me wrong.

  I gotta talk about this or ima go insane, ADAM, MY DEAREST, THE LOVE OF MY LIFE THAT I CAN'T SHUT UP ABOUT I'M SORRY EVERYONE, is so good at art.. like last night he was showing me his sketchbook and Y'ALL. Y'ALL!!!!! he's genuinely so good at anatomy, posing, character interaction, LIKE HOW CAN HE BE LIKE, "I'm not good at any of that"!?!??!1/1?!?!?! BOY YOU ARE!!!!! I GET IT THOUGH BC ON PAPER I'M SO ASS BUT DIGITALLY IM PEAK. he's the opposite. like tbh, this is so genuine, he's such a big inspiration to me. IK I'VE SAID THAT, BUT TS IS SO TRUE. his art alone is just like, WOAH! I WANT TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT!! teach me, teach me, teach me!! I am waiting patiently with drawing tablet in HAND!! I feel so embarrassed tho bc HE'S BETTER THAN I AM and I was like "oh yeh I can help you get better and stuff!! :D" YOU SILLY GOOSE HE'S ALREADY THERE.. you should be learning from HIM. ik we can learn from each other but still jgfkdngjkn... but by any means I do not want his style! I like the styles I do, I love his style, I just want to be able to have the skills he does, and apply it to my own stuff. skills do not relate to your style in the slightest and I think people need to realize that more. but anyways, HE'S SO COOL!!!!!! I have the coolest boyfriend in the goddamn galaxy! I'M CORNY. IDC! I'm happy. corny and free!!!!

  btw, this is what I'm working on! well, was..? IDK I STOPPED WORK ON IT :[ I really should pick it back up.. it's just uh.. the mental break.. doesn't want me doing anything.. I'll try to work on it today or tomorrow tho..

it's from Knights of Guinevere! she's so pretty I HAD TO DRAW HER. it just sucks SO MUCH that I'm in this weird mental state or it would've already been done. I plan to have her holding her guts to her face and stuff. with that red flowery background. UGH IT'S GONNA BE PEAK. honestly guys I'm not even sure how I'm doing this.. she looks exactly how I pictured in my head which is insanity. I GUESS I'M SCARED TO FINISH IT TOO?? cus like what if i can't continue with that style I want. BUT I WILL!! I WILL DO IT AND I WON'T GET IN MY HEAD ABOUT IT. it will happennnnn. I really started this because I was like, "I'm doing fuck all right now, I need to do something, something besides watching YouTube all day". glad I did tho lol.

  more about art, I CAN HOPEFULLY DO COMMS NEXT YEAR! I HOPE! OH HOW I HOPE! my mom said she's cool with it. YAY! I CAN GET A JOB SORTA! IF I CAN GET ACTUAL COMMS AND STUFF!!! I'm so excited to work y'all. more than anyone should be. 

that is all that is on my mind.. well not exactly, but all I will share! thank you so much for reading, this blog is my current magnum opus istggg, i love it sm :D
goodbye everyone, take care, drink something, eat something, and have a good day/night!