Been 7 months!

Looks like it's been about 7 months since I was last on here. Seven months since I was diagnosed with OSDD. things have certainly changed within the system, my perspective of the system especially. News has gotten worse and worse. I got a new job. 

My coworker was really kind today. She came up to ask how I was doing, how I was liking things, what my least favorite thing was lol, and if I'd like to be trained on stuff up front of house. She also said that she really appreciated having me around, that everyone does. That was really kind of her. I might've been looking sadder today. I've felt some grief wavering behind my eyes. 

I've been told before that sometimes I just look so sad. It's kinda embarrassing really because I thought I looked stoic >.>

I went on a road trip with my partner and some of his friends he games with. It was a good time but I got really triggered I guess. I didn't realize until after it all. I was worried something might happen like panic attack but nothing did. But sometimes the silences would weigh on me like this massive guilt, and I'm consumed by this knowledge that I'm not wanted, I'm a nuisance to those around me, I bring down the energy just by being there, everyone resents me, they wonder why I'm hanging around, they wonder why I haven't spoken in so long, they wonder why I seem so distant. 

So detached.

It's taken a while for me to notice how 

My brain didn't want me going down that line. 

In positive news I've made real progress on my website Pesturedrawing, which is a tool that connects to pinterest. It operates simlarly to Line-of-action or quick poses but uses your pinterest boards for the references. I added a feature where you can run boards in a sequence, so you can start with basic form studies and then progress into complex form and figure etc. 

Developing awareness of my OSDD symptoms is so weird because I had seen so much of it in media. I think unconsciously I was drawn to researching and learning as much about it as I could because a) it resonated in a way I couldn't really understand/perceive and b) idk probably OCD. But it made it out in my mind as this rare thing that Other People experienced and this kinda fantastical thing. But like it's literally my normal. Switches aren't this like idk this Big Thing for me except when it's a more jarring idk. Idk. It's hard to talk about because there's so many voices trying to get a word in, like everyones stuck at the mouth of a funnel - road block. 

My therapist has been on medical leave. 

I like my new job. it is much more aligned with my interests/passion than my old job. But I struggle socially still. I wish this shit wasn't so covered with thorns, what I've picked up and can't shake off.