My Monster Has A Name

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). That's my monster's name. I'm not surprised, I knew that this was most likely to be my diagnosis bedford I even made my appointment. To hear it though...hearing it makes me cry. It's 8:41pm right now, I found out before noon, and I'm crying. I cried talking to the counselor and I'm crying now. I start a medication regimen soon. I go to a psychiatric nurse practitioner on Wednesday next week to see what medication will be best. I feel relieved to know that it's treatable, but burdened because it never really goes away. I'll learn to manage my symptoms. I feel like all I've been doing is managing my symptoms. I want so badly to just be rid of this already. I'm tired of being angry, and paranoid, and sad all the time. I'm tired of arguing and crying. I know therapy takes time, I just hope I have the patience. I've learned a few things about myself already just from the evaluation alone. Firstly, I never realized how self destructive I actually am. I am not the type to talk to others about my life, in fact I try my hardest not to tell anyone anything because it's easier that way. Not talking to anyone means I never actually review the events of my traumas or my actions. Doing that today, even for a brief time, really pointed out how much I try to ruin things before someone can ruin them instead. Abandonment issues, which is crazy to think that I have because I literally push everyone out of my life. I also learned that the meditation and self awareness that I have been practicing are part of the therapy that I'll be doing, so both of those were positive moves forward. With all that being said I want to dive into what BPD is.

BPD is a personality disorder. Let's forget the b for a second and focus on the others. With a personality disorder the sufferer tends to be unsure of themselves and their place in the world. They tend to see themselves in a negative light even if others only see good. They have distorted self images because they are rittled with anxiety or depression or both in most cases. They are unable to differentiate between judgemental and normal conversations, usually perceiving the conversation in a negative aspect despite the actual intent. They misread facial expressions and mistaken most things as a micro aggression. This inability to properly read the situation often causes an overreaction and instant anger. The sufferer of BPD is unable to control their anger, often becoming angry at things that others find trivial. They don't see the triviality of it and tend to rationalize their anger in their own way. That's just a snippet of what goes into this monster. The B portion of BPD is for borderline; an outdated term that was once used to say the sufferer was on the borderline of being treatable before they spiraled into schizophrenia. Isn't that cute? It's not longer really relevant they just haven't found a better replacement for the word.

I plan on trying my hardest to share my journey with you. I know that I'm not consistent but even if this helps one person I'll be happy. I want to help someone who suffers like I do, because no one helped me and maybe if someone did I could have caught this a long time ago. In the past my BPD has lead me to some dark places. I've tried committing suicide and thankfully failed. Maybe I can help someone before they get there. If you feel this may be you, please, seek treatment. Untreated BPD can lead to a road of destruction. Most with BPD have a criminal record because the anger is hard to control. Help yourself before you hurt yourself or others. I'm also always here to talk, what is life if we don't help each other. As a Christian, I feel it is my duty to spread my father's word and love my brothers and sisters. Let me love you if you don't feel it! We can be a community for each other. I love you AND YOU DESERVE LOVE! Don't listen to yourself when you hear the negative intrusive thoughts. You are loved!