My mental health

PLEASE READ THE DISCLAIMER BEFORE CONTINUING 

This blog contains heavy topics, such as depression, SH, and Sewer Slides (I dont know if saying the word will get me kicked of something)

Please do not read if you are sensitive to these things. This blog is a way for me to express how I feel since I struggle with that a lot

October 2025 marks one year ago of me harming myself (SH). Nobody knew I was doing it until February of next year, and even then I hadn't told many people. Only three others knew. It escalated over time, and usually I would do it every two weeks or so. (The time it took for the cuts to heal). The cuts were never to deep, and all I have for scars are little reddish white lines. Over summer I started to do it on my thigh, and as colder weather comes I've done it to my arm and thigh. But of course the cuts aren't that bad. At least I don't think they are. That's what I struggle with the most. 

Compared to everyone around me, my life is a lot better than theirs.

My dad is a jerk, constantly yelling and getting mad over things. You have to watch yourself because you never know what hes like. It's been like this for years, I have no good memories of him. He is self centered and a narc. But hes never hurt me physically and my parents are married, not happily, but still married. Most my friends don't even have a dad. 

During elementary, I was manipulated for four years straight by the people I considered my best friend. She lied to me. The biggest lie was that she had a bunch of mental illnesses, and I believed her because I was young. She used that against me. They were passive aggressive and would bully me for little things. Things I liked. I played adopt me and my friend at the time would sit back and watch as her friend would bully me for it and bully me on how I looked. She said I looked homeless. They treated me like crap to the point I was a mindless puppet following them around for years, doing whatever they said. I didn't know who i was. I still don't. I didn't have interests of my own. I tried to watch things they liked, like stranger things. But then when I did, they just moved on from it. On my birthday in fifth grade, I invited the friend over. She had a little box and told me not to open it. I thought it was something she would be embarrassed about, and I could look and tell her I won't judge her and its okay. I opened the box she put on my dresser. A blade. I talked to her about it, and I watched her use it to prove to me that it was fine and didn't hurt. I was turning ten. On my birthday. I kept it a secret for a year, before telling the other friend who manipulated me. She went back and forth on saying we should tell someone, and when we did, she guilt tripped me, got mad at me and told the friend we were telling there mom to help them. More things happened, but mainly just back and forth and playing with my emotions. That's why I now need constant reassurance. I overthink because everything I did she would turn it around and get mad at me, saying I didn't listen to her. But I did. I only listened to her. 

More things happened in middle school, my best friend at the time manipulated me, left me for some guy and tried to turn everyone against me. I worked so hard to get new friends, and it happened all over again. 

I dated a girl over the summer. I found out after the break up that she only used me, she didn't love me, she just liked the idea of the aesthetic and she liked being liked. The guy I was with did the same thing, he used me to build his ego.

My friends don't notice me. I have no one to really talk to besides me best friend, but she has her own problems. 

My mom believes I'm fine. She said I haven't been abused, SA'ed, watched or had been in a traumatic event, been through divorce, etc. I'm starting to believe her. Everyone else has it worse than me, and I feel like a burden. Like I'm constantly overrating. I even had a friend try to off themselves in seventh grade. They failed. I feel like a waste of space. I have no talents, I'm whiny, i have no future. Everything I wan't to be won't work. I hate how I talk, and look, and feel. I hate me. The only reason I'm still here is because of guilt. I don't want to leave my friends or sister. But i wanna be noticed. I'm to afraid to make new friends because I feel like I'll be used again.

I want people to want me for me, and not to just be used. I can't explain how bad everything is. My dad is terrible. He awful. My friends are constantly whining about how bad their lives are. I feel like all I have is a paper cut to worry about compared to them. I feel empty all the time. I don't feel real. Like I'm actively rotting away. I'm losing it. I just want someone to realize how bad it is.

Recently I found out my dad wants to leave to.

The worst part?

I relate to him. I relate to someone who has messed me up so much and the man I'm supposed to hate.

I'll be fine though, like after this whole weird episode I'll probably just play roblox after. I feel like numb after getting upset. I am fine, sorta. I'll be fine, I don't plan and doing anything irreversible anytime soon. 

If you feel this way to, know your not alone. It's okay to feel this way.