oct 13/25 - 12:03 am (true blue)

song on queue: endless by oklou 

im scared to be vulnerable around someone. i can say what’s on my mind without hesitation. to expose the state of how im feeling now is different. but i think what’s worse to think about is that i don’t think anyone will meet me where im supposed to be at this moment— being lost in this endless yearning, and daydreaming about sharing my life with someone special. 

this is cliche to say coming from a 23 year old. despite being content with the life i have, i fear that im not used to the peace and silence i prayed for.  the middle of transitioning, will this uncomfortable feeling last forever? oh how i wish i can cry on my lover’s shoulder to calm down, if they're ever around.

instead of crying, i smoke more cigarettes while i drink sweet white wine. is this feeling endless? even i need to slow a song down to match the tempo of my energy. 

it’s not easy to sit in this silence. i’ve been feeling blue, in a way where rotting is comforting.