Life is Terrifying and I'm Just Getting Started

Here I am! My ceiling was just recently painted after the old popcorn was removed and I had to move all my stuff out. I just put everything back in a similar yet refreshed way. I listened to a dj set called "saturday mornin' cleanin'" yesterday while making my space back up again. Songs like "Sailing" by Christopher Cross played. Love love love!

This morning I woke up and lit some incense and meditated at my altar using my ten minute hourglass with black snakes coiled around it. I terribly miss doing my little morning rituals like that. It has been unacceptably long since I had last done that in the morning; let my thoughts flow out my open window with my breath. Remembering things like a buddhist monk doing a livestream, allowing people a space to meditate in the digital hellscape that shall not be named (hint: the name sounds like the sound of your time running out on it). He'd say "buddha loves you!" in between meditations. I started crying just remembering something small like that. Would I have even felt moved by that memory at all if my OCD had the chance to paralyze it with some reason that it was connected to the inherent corruption of the world? Probably not. 

This year has been taking little breaths. Being drowned by that ever persistent wave of my old ways. Of that urge to drift away into nothingness through the numbing agent of digital image and video and bed ridden sweet nothings of daydreams to sing me off into a sleep of self betrayal. But nonetheless, I breathe. And I've been honing a practice of being more aware of those breaths and what seeks to choke them out. Little by little. 

And I guess that's what this is! A little breath! Breathe with me you all! Unless this is not a breath for you. Are you running away from something? Then here's your reminder! Go make that soup! Go read that book or whatever! Said Lovingly. 

Love. Lovely lovely LOVE. Isn't that what I'm doing here? Loving. It's been my goal this whole time. To let myself love and create. Create beautiful, sensuous expressions of my heart in this world. How many times have I seen a video of a performance from someone I admire and thought "damn it I just want to make music already I'm sick of this!!!" That's a breath. Usually I may just drift deeper into the dream until I'm numb and all I can do is live through someone else. But NO! The frustration is getting stronger and the window between when I fall into numbness and jump out of it is getting shorter! The waves cannot keep me down! 

Tomorrow I start a temporary job for a secondhand children's items store. I'm speaking gratitude for being able to do something that I feel happy to do. May I remember joy more and more like how my child self would want me to. Remember the adventure. Life is a juicy, colorful hero's story as old as time. And I'm going to bring you with me! Hopefully along the way you will find yours. Your story. 

Oop! I have to go make MY soup now!

With the gracious beating of my heart, 

I am Lexie. Nice to meet you. 

Feel your heart beat now. That's you shaking the hand in me.

<333