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I'm a 20-year-old transmasc and in April I started T, which is really good for me, but on the other hand it meant that my relationship with my parents probably had a time limit from that point forward. They're extremist maga heads and only get worse by the year, like hell, my step-dad is in the middle of reading mein kampf right now.....
For more background, my mom never cared about politics AT ALL until she left my dad for my step-dad when I was 11. Throughout my whole life, my mom acted like she was allergic to being independent or even being her own person, like she needs a man to function, like she lobotomized herself lmao... So you can imagine just how quickly and severely she was influenced by his beliefs that he can never stop talking about, everything she said was just an echo of him.
My mom is also a very heavy drinker. My grandmother told me that in the short time where my mom worked with her to clean houses a year ago, she found out that she had a very set time at around 2-3pm ("coincidentally" the time where step-dad comes home from work) where she had to drink. She'd make her stop by the store just so she wouldn't have a freakout from withdrawal. She's clearly living a really miserable life with seemingly nothing to do about it, she can't drive and isn't employed and is showing no interest in ever changing that.
Despite this I LOVE my mom to pieces and I really value the time I have with her. Like, she's my mom. She raised me and she gave me an amazing childhood before it had to abruptly end. I love baking with her and sharing houseplants with her, I love showing her the things I'm proud of.
But every good role model I had, including her, has taught me that if someone can't accept me for the way I am, they're better off out of my life.
Recently one night after I got off work, she was drunk as always but she asked me why I was taking HRT. She wasn't supposed to know, but apparently when I was gone she found my vials in my room while looking for a comb. We had a back-and-forth that's sort of a blur to me now about "you're ruining your life" "this is who I am" "I birthed you" "but I'm my own person"
It ended with "If you keep up with this, either help pay bills or leave", which normally if they asked for financial help I wouldn't have an issue, but to treat me differently just because I'm something you don't like, I will never tolerate that. Ever. I have to take the latter and I'm very lucky that I have a trusted and supportive coworker who happens to be looking for a roommate, the move will take place at the beginning of next year. So yeah, that time limit I explained in the beginning was cut very short.
I always heard stories from other trans folks exactly like this with their parents, but I for some reason thought my situation would be an exception. That my parents wouldn't do that, the unconditional love they promised me would be stronger than their beliefs, right? It was kinda naive for me to think that way until it was too late lolz
Something about my parents is that they're fucking god awful at confrontation with me, which in this situation is fantastic because since then they haven't uttered a word about it and aren't bothering me about their transphobic nonsense. My step-dad in particular hasn't said anything to me at all. So in these last two months I have with my mom, I'm cherishing it and acting as if everything is completely normal, although I have mentioned to both of them that I am moving in the near future.
This is where I need advice. I know that when I move, it might get rocky again with them. Something will have to change, whether it's minimizing my interactions with them or cutting them both off entirely. A huge part of me doesn't want to cut my mom out of my life, but the rest of me knows that I might just have to. How do I let go?? Is there anything else I can possibly do?? I tell myself that she has the potential to be better and to love and support me the way I need it, but is it really potential? Or is it just an idealized version of her in my head? The worst part is that I feel so fucking bad for her, she's SO far gone but I really don't know what I can do. I feel like I already lost my mom years ago
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Arik Ozotf
I'm a 20 year old transmasc and In July (last year) I started T, which was really great for me.
Anyways, my situation has some similarities. My parents aren't maga, they're just very shitty at confrontation so nothing ever gets talked about, ever. No transphobia, no positivity, no love, no hatred. I'm living with them/under insurance/on the phone bill because it takes effort to take one off of those things, and they can't be bothered to think about me. When I move out, it's probably gonna be low/no-contact because that's how it already is even as we all live in the same house. I've come to terms with this/pretty calm. Even if they somehow are more accepting, my dad and I naturally aren't on talking terms even if there's no obvious tension. My mom's a person I simply don't like being around for long. The idea of what your mother could be is merely a possibility. It's not your responsibility to help her improve.
When you move out, you can leave lines of communication open (email/text), but don't reach out first. If she does/doesn't reach out to you, that's on her. If you reach out first, there's the possibility of being hurt, especially if she has shown no signs of being more accepting since the transition. Focus on how much calmer you will be in day-to-day life when you cut out people who are actively weighing you down and haven't lifted you up in ages.