A new LIFE

TW: BLOOD, SUICIDE, RAZOR, EMOTIONAL SCARRING, SUBSTANCE USE, SURGERY

PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU MIGHT BE HURT WHILE DOING SO.

it all started all but a lifetime ago- i was in the back of this large deranged mall when i ended my life. with a measly razor i ran across my throat blood leaked out, but it wasn't enough. i was so deep in psychosis that in a way it was almost fun- like a gamble. i didn't really know anything but the blade that ignorance is what brought me further. it ran across my neck three more times like a kid running to the ice cream truck and so in a way it felt happy. i made myself a sweet cold delightful treat! the blood then started pouring out my throat. i started choking and almost begging for help, but nothing can hear through the blood. i did not make but a single noise. i tried to get up to tell my beautiful wife what happened and i slipped in my blood. over and over, again and again. I must've got tired because my body became limp. i saw my cute slippers crackling from dried blood and my big sweater the doctors must've later cut through and i smiled for a second. she was waiting as i used the bathroom. suddenly after what felt like hours of rushing frenzies of pure child blood sweeping across the floor- i died. dying isn't such a thing where it is instant like in the movies. first what was strange is a starting hovering over my body lifting up and arising slowly. i looked down trying to tap my finger along my side since that is what i did previously to stay a little more alive, yet nothing came of it. i then saw my wife walk in confused in a sense. automatically like it has been done a thousand times before my head starting lifting upwards and everything blurred into a white light. the light was so bright and yet so calming to look at. the whole process until then was the most torturously releasing experience one can have, and i do not recommend it to put it frank. i never believed truly in heaven or hell or afterlife or much of anything since i am a woman of truth rather than comforting beliefs. i ended up in a place of clouded ground and expansive horizons with a man standing in front of me. he was suited up in an armor of sorts yet even though it would be so uncomfortable on earth it looked delightful to wear. i was naked and the man had no issue or even one bad thought to think towards it. it looked weirdly concerned but it was masked with a charming smile and nicely swayed hair that makes you think that it isn't here to do anything but guide you. he said in a strong what seemed like tone death voice "welcome back Mania! where would you like to go this time?". it was then i realized we were standing in the fork of two paths one that lead to a crystal city of tall buildings. the city always seemed to be partying or celebrating over something as there was rays of colorful lights moving around and bouncing off of the crystal towers. then again nothing there was blinding of any sorts, and you knew it was bright you felt the bright air but it didn't hurt your eyes or soul like earth does. on the left side was a country hill-filled shaded area that was dark and inviting because of it. when i say dark i do not mean you see less because of it, but more of how when you hide under a blanket the darkness comforts you. on that end you cant see much since it is so far in the distance, but it felt as though they must've been reading and hugging each other. both sides seemed of grace. neither was built of any kind of negativity, nor harmful thinking, even if the crystal city might've been using substances to party a little harder. i remember after a long pause of shock from my end he swayed his hands to say he will show me around before i decide. in that moment a mysterious presence that sounded so dark and familiar sounded as if they were telling me "not yet, this isn't the right time.". after that calming voice said that in a creepy manner a shock went over everything i saw and i was back on that filthy bathroom floor. my wife was almost overtop of me and i noticed some slits along her neck as well, but luckily nothing of actual damage. the amount of regret i had i tried crying, but ultimately my blood was doing that for me. she hugged me with the same calm the voice told me to come back. i was signaling with my hands to call somebody- i don't even know how i had the energy to do so, but i did. she called the ambulance with so much disbelief in her eyes that i managed to wake. she later on said how she did CPR on me because i had no heart beat- the rest of what happened isn't my story to tell. the strong caring EMT's came and put me in a stretcher. in the mall there was an event happening for children so they covered me almost fully with the blanket to not scare them. all i remember is when i got to the emergency room they brought in a specialist for trauma related neck surgeries which is a very unique specialty that i guess did save my life. she looked down onto me shining a bright flashlight onto my neck to assess the damage. i forgot how much light hurts on earth. she looked shocked and said to her collages as if i wasn't really there- which to be fair i don't think i was- that she hasn't seen anything like this before especially with someone so young. i had that surgery on my neck to fix my trachea and platysma muscle. to this day i cannot do a lot of what i love due to the neuropathic pain in my neck.

this is one part of my story i am sharing, not to bring pity or shame in any sense but to give you a little background on my art i will show. my art, poetry, and philosophies are deeply disturbing and triggering for most, but i know for the ones with extreme trauma like my own it is strangely comforting.

THIS IS NOT FICTION. THIS IS MY STORY. THIS IS FOR CONTEXT OF MY LATER WORK. DO NOT FOLLOW AFTER MY ACTIONS. IT ISNT WORTH IT. I AM NOT ADVOCATING FOR HARM. I HOPE IF YOU RELATE IN ANY SENSE YOU KNOW OTHERS HAVE HAD IT LIKE YOU AND YOU WILL BE OKAY. THIS ISNT THE END. 

- MANIA AI JINX