life update and i feel like i'm going nowhere

hello! just rambling a little about how my life's going before i go back to sleep maybe

around two weeks ago, i had another appointment with my psychiatrist, and i came out there with an official confirmation of my severe depression and an increased dose of antidepressants (from 5 to 10mg). i came out of there hoping the new dose would make a change

at first i felt like it was doing something, whatever negative thoughts i had were totally mellowed out, for the first time in a long time i stopped having SIs frequently. before i was on meds, everyday i just wished something would take me away and out of here

i felt like there was a little bit more clarity in my head, i felt like i could think a little better than i used to which honestly made me feel good about it... but i've been taking it for maybe a week now, and that and the emotional blunting was really all i experienced. i don't feel better, i guess i just feel less sad. although, that feeling didn't stay for long.

i always feel so tired, like i'm a zombie that just dug out of its own grave, and everything i do feels like a chore. my passion for my hobbies was gone altogether, nothing really gave me enjoyment aside from a few games of my own comfort, and i'm losing more and more motivation to continue my studies. not to mention, the meds just add on to my budget... it gets pricey, and then, i gotta factor in all the necessities i need to buy because i can't just spend it all on food, plus my poor impulse control doesn't help, it's definitely a problem for my budget. it makes me feel awful, i've stopped buying my iron supplements for the time being because i don't think i can afford it with everything else i need to get at this rate

school has been okay i guess. i just don't have it in me to study well anymore, for some reason, it feels exhausting. i've been way too cooped up in my own room that by the time the week ends, i remember i have a big quiz the next monday. it's really a miracle that i can study just enough to have a decent grade in Some subjects

and for the social aspect of my life, i am totally alone LOL. i do have my family and online friends that i talk to often, but college is another thing. i don't want to deal with anyone at all unless they ask nicely. thing is, my psychiatrist tells me to get out there and socialize, but, i don't really see a point in doing that because i also have nothing good or interesting to say about anyone... i think i'd prefer to be approached than to approach others, because with being approached, at least i know they have a reason for why they want to talk to me.

all in all, i've been doing nothing but waste time sleeping, staying in bed, and playing video games. i'm also genuinely so tempted to skip classes because it just gets so boring and miserable. i feel dull. i can't even bring myself to get up and do chores, my room is a mess, there's junk all over the floor, there's mold on my clothes blah blha blah blah i feel insanely incompetent, useless, and subhuman and i don't know how much longer i can keep up a battle i've been fighting for 7-ish years

right now, all i can do is just... hope it gets better at least, it's only been a few weeks. maybe it will get better