been awhile

ive grown a bit, almost 18 years old in 82 days and ive been coming to the realization that im not just going to be a teen living in my moms house forever... im going to have a whole life and i can mess it up at any point, but ive thought about what imma do after hs. i want to join the army, i hate school and i cant do more of it after high school, and art is being taken over by ai and i dont see a career in making art anymore, so i want to join the army for the benefits, the pay, the hard work and overall i see a better future in the army then i ever have thinking of making art for a living.

i broke up with my boyfriend before the summer who had me in competition with his mom. it was hard and weird calling him my ex at first and it still is sometimes but im moving on and learning to be ok with being single and find myself before i can date anyone again, im not really sure how imma find myself in the day and age of staying home and not really talking to anyone but the people you already know or have on your phone and im really to socially awkward to talk to anyone but imma over come that. 

i went out a bunch with my bsf nadia, my sister and her friends (follow froyoho3s on tt) to canadas wonderland filming and going on rides, some parties where i got fucked upp throwing up (vodka is not my friend but whiskeys my baby), some clubs and festivals where we got all dresses up and got flags for culture festivals. me and nadia smoked a lot and had we3d on us everywhere. 

i have a different style now where im trying to incorporate more colour and accessories to my outfits, i got these scoobie doo pjs and now im seeing scoobie doo references everywhere. i still only where silver but my bracelets have colour, one hand has green and blue, the other is black and white bracelets. 

i have a better mind set and im happier now, sometimes. ive focused on myself more and have the "idc what anyone else does this is my life and people can come and go as they please and i shouldnt care", like ofc ill care but i should focus on ME more, and with that, my best friend moved out my house which was hard and its quieter in my house now, but i want the best for her and i cant stop her from doing anything. its not like we stopped talking, were still friends ofc but shes just not living at my house anymore. 

im stillll in school but its my last year... grade 12, its already stressful because of other kids, my classes arent hard, my first sem i have coop 1-2P, lunch, religion 3P and spare 4P. my sec sem i have spare 1P, math 2P, lunch, gym 3P and english 4P. i normally stay in the bathroom to get away from everyone, but im thinking of joining JLT (a school leadership team) to get more involved since it is my last year of the "best years of my life". 

we had some events but me and nadia werent really included, like werent in any photos or fun shit. when it was spirit week (events and civis) the last day we got to wear specific colours according to your grade, we had green my favourite colour, and i got face paint from someone ik but that was kinda the only fun part... and we had senior sunrise which we werent included in the photos or the "in 10 years" video either, or photos on "anything but a backpack day". but im trying to include myself more like asking for the face paint. 

over all ive been getting better, im happy about my progress and finding out what i want to do for my future. obv life is not ever going to get easier, and new problems will come up everyday but its how you use your energy and what you put your mind to and things will get better.