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"Into the deepest stone chasms
a ghost light wooed me once.
Whether I could find an exit again
never weighed down my mind."
a ghost light wooed me once.
Whether I could find an exit again
never weighed down my mind."
There is a warning system inside my head. An indicator of bad times to come, as finely tuned as the proverbial canary in a coal mine. Nothing changes during the day, and yet I find myself humming soft and yearning melodies. Franz Schuberts' Winter Travel, an old song collection from the Romantic era. It tells the story of a man, who, heartbroken, flees the house of his love in the middle of the night leaving everything behind. Full of pain, he marches into the snowy landscape and keeps on going, further and further, for days on end. A beautiful and tragic tale, as old as time. The harsh German language, rich in consonants and known to me from ze Hans and ze Franz in zeir Wehrmacht uniform suddenly transformed into a soft, melancholic expression of pain and anger. I hold still for a moment and ask myself: why? Why are you back in my head, old friend? What do you wish to show me, what I cannot see right now?
The song collection came to me many years back, fittingly in the
midst of winter. Alien, it was at first. A man, singing to a piano. Not
my kind of music. And yet, it came when I needed it. I, too, just had
fled the
home of my former beloved. Nearly mindless and with a bleeding heart, I
decided to walk the long way back home. If I would freeze, that would be
a fitting countermeasure to the wrath in my heart. After all, I just
learned of their betrayal, as it seemed to me at the time. We already had split up as a couple at that point,
as they asked me for some time to think about a few things. I granted it - they had all the right in the world to do so. And
yet, in my heart I still hoped, still believed they belonged to me, as dysfunctional as we were. I looked at their red
hair, green eyes and perky smirk, and felt my heart beat faster every
time. All red flags in these three months of togetherness were simply
killed off by great amounts of work and THC. But then they asked for
space. I felt my heart crack. Loosing my sense of reality, I doubled
down on the hope, trying to keep my hearts' pieces together by force.
All anger towards them I directed against myself, hoping so
fiercely and desperately that we could get back together eventually.
"I am used to lose my way
for every path leads to my goal.
Our pleasures, our sufferings
all but a ghost lights' play.."
for every path leads to my goal.
Our pleasures, our sufferings
all but a ghost lights' play.."
For who else would love me? Who else would take me, the one who knew how much damage they could do? My first relationship broke through me cheating on them. Something I never thought I could or would do. Something which did not fit the person I wanted and needed to be. I lost all self confidence and started to hate me and my sexuality with the intensity I still feel today. Cheater, my mind whispers to me when I speak with someone I find sexually attractive. Cheater, it growls, when I touch someone, even by accident. Cheater, it howls, when I find myself fantasizing. Full of guilt and shame, I turned inwards, trying to punish every sexualizing thought. And I got increasingly anxious in a relationship. The sword of Damocles constantly hung over my neck - the thought of not being good enough, of being the one who will destroy it all. I forbade myself dating and flirting. When I was weak and ended up in a relationship, I preferred to end it quickly and painlessly as soon as I saw the first cracks. I will not hurt them unnecessarily, I told myself. And then green eyes, red hair and a perky smile came into my life. And asked me out. I fell in love instantly.
I was at their house party when I heard that they were dating again. Not even from
them, but from their flatmate. Good for them, I thought in shock. We
are not a unit any more. Why shouldn't they date? And yet, this was
where my heart finally ripped apart. All delusions I had, all the false
hope, all my longing for them - broken and shattered. And the shards
filled my mind and soul, cutting my insides to bloody ribbons. And yet, I
clung to them with a fierce loyality. "If my pain falls silent, who
then will tell me of her?", Schubert sang in my mind, again and again.
Finally, a dream. Me, naked and on the ground in front of the statue of a
female goddess. My throat being cut, the blood collected and sacrificed
to her. I remember crying as the cold entered my body. Then I woke up
with a pulsing cramp in my neck which stayed there for weeks.
"Through the mountain streams' dry groove
I calmly work my way down.
Every stream will gain the sea,
every suffering its grave."
I calmly work my way down.
Every stream will gain the sea,
every suffering its grave."
It was like waking up from a bad dream altogether. Finally, I could see: there was no betrayal, no cheating. There were just my extreme doubts in myself, which I tried to drone out with overburdening hopes and clinging as hard as I could. This time, I thought, it will work. This time I will be a good, no, the perfect partner. My past sins finally forgotten. It didn't, I wasn't, they weren't. The realization hit me like a brick in the face, sending me reeling for years.
Time has passed since then. I ended up in a long-term relationship, to my great amazement. My spouse knows of my background, showing caution and gentleness. I haven't cheated since then, not even close. And yet, it is still there, the great fear: will I fuck up again? Will they leave me because I cannot be the perfect partner? And from time to time, when the worries grow to great, the piano starts up in my head again. "As a stranger I moved in, as a stranger I move out". My love life of earlier years, summed up in a sentence.
Again and again Ghost Light shows up, repeating in my head. The final line a promise to the future, its melody winding up and down, gently settling in the middle:
"Every stream will gain the sea,
every suffering its grave."
every suffering its grave."
Comments
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magilon
i also appreciate being introduced to different media through your entries, even if i may never consume it. you provide great synopses to where i can still follow along. thank you.
My pleasure ~
If you want to hear the song by itself, I linked it at the end. It also contains the while collection. Feel free to listen in - it is my favourite version of it.
by 4:30 AM; ; Report
thank you.
by magilon; ; Report
magilon
feeling comfortable enough to open up honestly to someone, only for them to leave feels like a permanent scar. a ripped heart will always leave a mark. it makes sense. i admire how you moved despite it, how you continued to grow into another relationship, but not only for the relationship, if that makes sense.
i struggle to understand the balance of how open i can be until i am a painful burden of sorts. i always thought openness would grow to mean more than being perfect, but perfection isn't possible and callousness is draining. i feel either i am perfect or i'm far from it. i can't picture something in between.
i read your story but cannot accept it for me. i'd rather have no one than my time with someone abruptly end.
Dear Dreamer,
Your current struggle was mine for the longest time. How and why to enter a relationship, if I cannot be perfect? If I am lacking all the time? What, if I am a burden with this screwed-up mind of mine? Willingly staying alone often felt like the most logical conclusion, even if the thought felt like a stab into my ribs.
It takes time and a partner willing to grow with you. I often found that the feeling of being a burden can be reduced on both sides. Sometimes, I felt more like one than my partner - after all, I know and see all of my failings. Open and honest communication helps your partner to understand you and builds trust - the currency of a healthy relationship.
Forgive me - I do not mean to preach. Sometimes, I still feel like it would be better to stay alone. And I, too, fear the end of my relationship. One way or another, that will happen. Either soon or hopefully in many, many years.
by 4:30 AM; ; Report
i'm not bothered by your "preaching." your experiences add another layer to further understanding. thank you for sharing. take care.
by magilon; ; Report
You too~
by 4:30 AM; ; Report