To Myself from April

I tell everyone I know about what happened in April. How it affected me, how it completely changed my life, and my perspective on love. sometimes I still hear those remarks that stayed the longest with me. "I didn't love you as much as you love me", "you couldn't be a girl I'd marry" it's like they echos in my mind. I remember not being able to eat to sleep for weeks. I just felt like crying all the time. I couldn't even be in a chipotle because it reminded me so much of him. Ridiculous now that I am a place right now where I really love my independence and how I be anyone I want to be. I don't feel boxed in, or that I should put on a performance of being feminine to please him. Even when he could never properly please me. I remember another moment of desperation and embarrassment when I drunkly texted him something at a party resulting in me crying on my friend's lap. making actual wailing sounds. My friends the best they are walked me out and gave me the most straightforward talk I could ever need. I remember just wanting to run away drunkly from them but I stayed and listened to what they had to say because I knew they cared about me so much that they wanted the best for me. Even so when I got home I had to have a phone call with him. He was telling how sorry he was for running my fun, how he felt bad for the pain he's inflicted on me.blah blah. I honestly don't remember much from the convo and want to keep it that way. It was the lowest situation I could be in. He ended the call with me feeling like total shit and he probably fed his own ego. A girl crying and begging for him, how pleasant. It was around 3 am when I started to feel actual physical aches in my body from the don Julio shots. I could only describe it as numb pain because I had felt so much pain those month that those aches almost felt internal and that I was meant to have them. That morning is when I picked myself up, I told myself I wouldn't cry for a man ever again. Since then I've grown alot for myself and my own artistic ventures. I love photography and painting, I think those things are things I will love forever more than any man.