another poemmmm

Edge of Me

At night my phone glows like a wound everything  is silent and I’m scrolling, counting calories, counting ribs, counting scars, counting reasons to leave and reasons to stay. When someone my age passes I unzip my hoodie suck my stomach in until it aches. I want to vanish but I want them to see me vanishing.I want to be loved but I want to be gone.I remember Ferny group chats pulsing like a heartbeat , five messages waiting at once. Back then my body was not a war zone back then I still thought skin could be home.Now the mirror whispers less less less. The blade whispers deeper deeper  deeper.I stand between them wanting both terrified of both. I dream of the end no more hunger no more shame no more fight.I want it like sleep like finally being light enough to drift away.

But then the fear claws back what if death isn’t soft? what if it’s nothing?what if the dark keeps going forever? what if I jump and never stop falling what if I disappear and no one even knows I want to be gone but I’m terrified of going. I want the blade to end it but I’m terrified of it ending.The need and the terror wrap around each other until I can’t tell them apart until I’m holding my breath at the edge and whispering prayers to both sides. Would Ferny have saved me? Would Peyton have saved me? Or would I still be here measuring my wrists, scrolling perfect bodies,staring at the drop,longing for it to take me and spare me in the same breath? Sometimes my phone buzzes once. A tiny pulse pathetic but alive telling me stay. And for one more night I do not because I’m sure,but because im to scared not to