Today is the last day on earth. (Short story) (tw death/suicide)

Today is the last day on earth. I couldn’t think of anything to do. The world as I know it will end, and the entire world is in a panic. More flights than there have ever been in a single day, every system of government broken and unmoving. Multiple celebrities confessing to their deeds online. Multiple countries have already broken into anarchy, flames on the streets and on every large building. Many have taken to killing others, and many have taken their own. So many deaths in the past few hours it’s impossible to keep track of. I hear people screaming and crying outside my house, I don’t even want to think about what it looks like downtown.

I envy the people who slept through all the carnage. I would like to sleep now too, but sleep evades me completely. I couldn’t even shut my eyes knowing I would never open them again. But I ask myself, what’s the point? Why be afraid of something that could have happened to me at any point in my life? Is the difference of knowing really that significant? What could I possibly do in these last few hours that would be so significant that I could put my head on this pillow and close my eyes, satisfied?

I get up and start pacing around the room. For what? I sit down and wait a while. Really? In your last moments? I get back up.

I check social media. More deaths. People apologizing, trying to atone before leaving this place. Some are spending their last moments with their families, closing off all doors and windows and hugging one another in their living room, waiting for the inevitable. There’s a livestream from Times Square. People are jumping from the rooftops, there are corpses strewn about the streets. What’s the point of it I wonder? When if they just waited they would be dead anyways? Is it that they want to feel they have control of their lives? A final moment of delusion to keep themselves comfortable? Another live stream of a neighborhood somewhere. Someone has started killing whoever they find. Rambling about some “express deal”. Equating all deaths as one and the same, trivialized in their eyes.

Maybe I should go out and stop such people? There are others doing it too. Even if I died, maybe I’d find solace in the fact that it was in defense of the weak, standing up against those who don’t value human life. But would it matter? How valuable would a couple hours more of anxious waiting be to those I save? Could I even save them in the first place? I could become just another victim of those killers, as they move on to kill many more. Maybe I ought to spare the time to myself. Find a “peaceful” place to watch the last sunset. Accepting that I could make no significant change on this final day.

It occurred to me that I had been living my entire life that way. Thinking little of myself and what I could do, and so I would do nothing.

The sun should be setting about now. I peek through the window blinds, there is an orange hue that covers the horizon. The final sunset, and it looks beautiful. But it’s still so loud. I thought to myself, I should find a nice hill, away from all the people, and watch the final sunset in a peaceful solitude. I get dressed for the last time, though I guess it wouldn’t matter how I looked anyway. There was a hill I used to go to when I was just a kid. It wasn’t too far, push through some bushes into some woods and follow the uphill climb. On top of that hill, a tree. I would climb to the top of the tree, and watch the scenery until my soul passes on. 

I’ll leave my phone behind. I take one step outside. There is a gentle, calm breeze. The neighbors are still screaming. I walk down the street until I can no longer hear them. In the distance, multiple car alarms are going off. I hear tires screeching. I find the bushes that lead into the woods, and step over and through them. It’s getting slightly darker, and the further I walk the more the distant sounds get drowned out. The walk becomes more of a climb as I approach the tree.

I never fit in with most people. All my life I’ve felt lonely in the crowd. Nobody understood me. I used the same words as them, had the same expressions, my eyes looked into theirs and felt alienated. Even to my own family, I felt I never belonged. It’s as though I was a new years present they never bothered taking out of the box. I guess it’s no surprise I prefer to be alone. Even now, in my final moments. Everything that happened to me was all I ever had. I never went and did something for myself. It wasn’t worth it. Not me, not whatever I was going to do or say, not whatever anyone would receive from my actions. I didn’t deserve it. And it wasn’t that I didn’t care about anything. I did care. I cared about people. I cared about the things that I enjoyed doing. I cared about being good. I cared about being something. But it never worked out for me. I was hurt at every turn. I hurt others, too. I started believing it would be better off if I stopped hurting myself or others by giving up altogether. To die nobly on my own and spare the world of my worthless, disgusting interference.

I approached the body of the tree. The sun was halfway gone through the horizon. It was turning a reddish color. I looked up at the tree, it was taller than I remember. I begin to climb.

I wanted to become a movie director at some point. I had some grand ideas. I thought they were pretty good, too. But more than that, I loved doing it. I probably would have pursued it in college had I not shown it to my friends and family and gotten mixed reception. Was that really all it took for me to give up on something I loved? Those other eyes who alienated me to look at what I showed them, and be met with indifference? Maybe I really was too blind to see how terrible it was. A kid proudly showing a cup full of mud to their friends. What would it have mattered anyways if I did do it? If I didn’t let others discourage me? Would it change how I feel as I look at this last sunset? Would I think that perhaps, I lived a good, fulfilling life? Or would I think that I have wasted my life chasing pointless trivialities of life? What the hell is someone supposed to do to not feel their life was wasted? And honestly, wasted? Why do I keep saying that? Wasted as opposed to what exactly? Maybe I’m thinking too much about it. Maybe I’m not thinking enough. I guess I will die not knowing the answer.

I pull myself up from the last branch that leads me to the top of the tree. I take a deep breath and look at the view. It’s beautiful. There’s a range of color in the sky as though it were painted on. Pink, purple, orange, red. The clouds break up the colorful hue with splotches of white. I begin tearing up. I’ve never cried to a sunset before. How weird is that? The earth turns far enough to where the local star disappears in the horizon. It’s as simple as turning your head and losing sight of something. Except, in this instance, you can’t look back. I, nor anyone on this earth, will ever see this giant ball of fire ever again.

I regret it. I regret letting other people’s comments get to me. I regret giving up on myself. I regret letting go of the steering wheel of my own life. I’ll never get that chance again. I regret taking every sunrise for granted. I was given so much capability, and I fumbled it all. Could anything be more pathetic? It’s so embarrassing. If I came back with my memory wiped, I probably would make the same mistakes. After all, it takes the end of the world for me to finally see it. It’s like I refused the life that was given to me. How could you call what I did “living”? I wish I had another ten years. Even one year would be fine. I would even take just one more month. Even a day would be great. Another day of normal life, without worrying about what’s behind or ahead of me. Ugh. I was so spoiled. I looked at what I had and thought “worthless”. I looked at myself and thought “worthless”. How silly. I had it all. Not one bad thing had happened to me.

The least I can do now is to look at this setting sun, knowing I am not worthless. I had only fallen victim to my own mind. Even if just for a few brief moments, I am who I’ve always wanted to become, right now. Even if I had not done anything in my life, I know being this version of myself, I would find that satisfaction. In fact, even now as I watch the world end, I can honestly say I’m so glad I realized this now. The last bit of the sun is going away…

And then it was dark. It continued to be dark. I stayed up on the top of the tree the entire time. Wondering when I would cease to be. I waited anxiously. It felt like several hours had passed. Every second was dreadful.

Suddenly, the sky started to brighten up. The sky was turning from a pitch black to a grayish blue. I couldn’t believe it. I turned around, and sure enough, the sun was rising. But how? Wasn’t the world going to end? Wasn’t I up here to watch the final sunset anyone would ever see? I started to wonder how I got that idea in my head in the first place. I quickly climbed down the tree and ran home. Everything on the way was quiet. I didn’t see anybody. I got home and immediately turned on my phone to see what was going on.

There’s a live broadcast. “Ladies and gentlemen, it appears that the sun is once again rising on us to a brand new day. We’re not exactly sure what is going on. The events of the last 24 hours have left the entire planet in shambles. It is possible that we may never recover from the events of yesterday, and if we are so lucky as to get many more years after this, this will be a moment that will never be forgotten. I’m not sure what I’ll do after this. But I just want to say one thing before ending today’s morning broadcast. It’s that we should now, moving forward, be grateful for what we all have. I’m sure many listeners are struggling with one troubling matter or another, especially after the events of yesterday. But I’m here to say that from here on out, we all ought to have our heads held high, as we have made it past the worst of days, and it now sits behind us. I am not telling anybody that they need to become saviors or do some grandiose thing. I’m only asking that you do not sit and wallow amongst the rubble. With whatever strength you may have left, build up from the broken pieces on the ground. Reach out to the people around you. Let us try to rebuild our communities. For the love of God, let us not let what happened doom us to inevitable destruction. Let us do what we, humans, have done best as a species. What makes us who we are. Let’s grow. Let’s have mercy. Let’s nurture. Let’s connect. Let’s protect. Let’s make living here bearable for every single one of us… and with that, we will now be signing off. Have a good day everyone, we hope to see you all tomorrow.”

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