Things actually do get better.

First blog woo, I wanted to start posting oc lore on here but right now I feel obligated in some way to comment on how life's going. I'm Trans, 18, and the possibility of me getting on hrt is pretty low. Love all you Trans men who are lucky enough to have access to hormone therapy but it honestly fills me with envy that they're able to transition. I don't live in a first world country, so the process is a lot more difficult, It took me almost a year to even find a doctor who could help me, and that in itself is lucky, because most of the trans people I know don't have access to that. But sometimes it feels like my doctor knows just as much as I do about the process of transitioning here. Absolutely nothing. But I can't say it's her fault. She suggested I reach out to local Gay and Trans organizations. Maybe I reached out wrong? Because none of them provided me with any information or support. One of them DID answer, but it was to guide me to a DIFFERENT organization... which also ignored me. So, that's pretty shitty but it could be worse.

If I went on about the things that frustrated me, I'd be here all night. Anyhow, after that session with my doctor, she also suggested to find things to keep myself busy, which is what I thought I was doing before. Making ocs, drawing, writing etc etc. Those things worked, but they didn't last and didn't change my situation. I was basically neglecting myself when I thought I was healing my mind. When I realized that, I started making small changes, attempting to diy my clothes (It looks a lot easier online- But I'm getting the hang of it I think), Taking better care of my hair, and exercising. After the first week or two, I felt the crash coming. And I did. I did crash. That was a few days ago, I went out that day, and missed my workout session, I felt bad so I treated it like a rest day although I didn't need it. The next day I had a sewing project to work on, took me the enitre day and I felt like my exercising wouldn't make a difference. Those negative thoughts of not being capable enough, and wasting my time came to me, so I did what I usually do and drowned it out with music. I wanted something new tho, a song I've never heard before, and that's how I found the band "Against Me". I listened to their song True Trans Soul Rebel and I felt heard. I felt seen. I never knew this band until now and that's CRAZY to me that I'm just finding ou about them. It made me realize that I shouldn't just give up when things don't seem to go my way. Especially if the thing I'm giving up on is myself, my own happiness and future. That day I got to workout as scheduled and I felt the progress and I was able to see the small changes to my physique. Although small, It made the biggest difference to my mindset. 

Today I cut my hair, something I had to do for months but was too tired to schedule one or ask a family member to do it. After staring at myself in the mirror for a good couple minutes because I highkey did a good job, I exercised, playing around with push ups, I realized how quickly I improved. My take away from all of this, is that I can't rely on anyone to make a difference in MY life. That's something I need to do myself, and it feels gratifying when I do. Small changes can make a huge difference, but sometimes you need a little push. In my case it was a Punk Rock band <3