Rant #1

The reality of an asexual person that suffers from hyper-sexuality 

TW!!! Procede with caution

Being asexual is already bad enough, I'm not gonna sugar coated the reality of it, as an asexual person I've always felt like something was deeply wrong with me, the repulsion to something your own body craves, the need to stop something that is supposed to come naturally, it makes you sick in your stomach and disgusted at your own body, it's like being trapped in a body that constantly does things that you don't wan to, it makes you feel unable to control something that is supposed  to me yours, your body.

Being exposed to sexual content and just plainly being SA'd is mainly the reason of why I ended up being hyper-sexual, and with time I ended up finding out I just didn’t enjoy any of it, i felt sick with myself after succumbing to this impulsive desires, I never enjoy it, not even once, it was all empty, I'm pretty sure I've never actually felt any kind of satisfaction or anything by it, it all is just empty, just some seconds that end up leaving me disgusted with myself, questioning why, why I keep this up? I don’t even like it, all this just makes me remember all those people that had hurt me, all of this just makes me feel sick in the head, like if I'm the disgusting freak.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I've done disturbing or bad shit, even if it sounds like it, it's just the mere act that makes me feel just so sick, and even then, I feel like I need to present myself as a sexual person, many times I've thought that maybe that's the only way i can get someone to really like me or to fit in in society, because, who would want a partner who's scared of something as trivial as sex? I will never be able to give my partner what they want, I'll never be able to be enough, because no matter how hard I try, I'll never be able to give them that, my body.

It all just feels like a cycle, it starts without me wanting to, it keeps going until I get that bitter kick of reality that makes me feel disgusting, I began to hate myself for something I can't control, I hurt myself without even realizing, and it just repeats and repeats like a broken record that whispers to me how much of a pathetic human being I am.

The contrast of being in both extremes at the same time is actually pretty interesting, it's like being pulled in both arms by two different people while they scream at you like if it's your fault that you can't choose a side like if it isn't them the ones pulling in different directions, I don't know why you decided to read this entry, but if it's because you know what I'm talking about, I think you'll understand that feeling of loneliness that comes from both sides of the coin, in one hand you have the fear of dying alone, of never finding your "one and only" just for the mere fact that most people want something you just can't give, sex, and in the other hand, you have the loneliness of never finding true satisfaction with what you do, no matter if it's alone, by yourself or with somebody else, you just feel empty after you finish with it and you're left with a bitter taste in your mouth that just reminds you how lonely you truly are.

It's exhausting.

But hey,,, at the end, we're all gonna die alone right? so who cares.

Again, no clue why you decided to read this, but if you actually read it all, thank you, I'll probably keep on doing this idk, hope u like it.