The torment of the next morning

Every day is a new day, some people say; but I really don't believe that, every day has been feeling the exact same for a long time now. Every day I wake up at 5am because my parents are always watching something loud on the TV, I bed-rot until 6am when I have to get ready from school, I feel the discontent of acknowledging that I'm sick, I slowly get dressed and I'm always a little bit late.

That small part of the day, those two hours I'm conscient in my house, they almost never define how the rest of the day is gonna be, somedays I wake up feeling terrible and then I'm having a great time with my friends, or somedays I can only think of sui****; that uncertainty of every single day just makes me never wanna wake up again, cause maybe then I'll know I won't have to worry about that.

After that, there comes school, a fucking shithole where I see the exact same people every day, same stupid subjects, same math I never understand, same people mocking each other and call it bonding, and slowly realizing how empty my friends might actually be as they're almost no different from everybody else. Speaking of friends, every day I feel like they're drifting away more and more, and I don't know what to do about that, and I don't feel strong enough to fix my friendships once again.

After going through hell-and-back, I come home, the only time where I can have some actual genuine rest... I guess. Whenever I'm home I wanna watch some TV or maybe be around family a little, but it always seem like they don't really want me close as whenever I wanna watch something on TV with them and I pick, they say it's "their turn on the TV", but it's never my turn there. They just tell me to go to my bedroom watch TV, but maybe they don't understand that I want to be seen by them or just be around them a little, I really feel like it would fix my relationship with them... maybe not but I don't think it's so important at this point.

At night, the torment seems to continue, some nights I tell myself to not trust thoughts after 9pm (silly joke I take seriously, because to me it actually makes some sense), but it's hard when those thoughts also appear by the morning... At night I wanna play music, write something, but I know I can't or I'll be getting yelled at; I guess I should just sleep in, from 12 to 5 again.

That's my routine for everyday, it's been the same for the past 3 months and it's the most tiring feeling in the world, the most draining it could possibly; maybe it's just me being a little bit** about it, who knows. All that matters is that this endless cycle is taking over me, it's making me feel more and more tired every single day, and I just really wanna break that cycle and whatever keeps on making me sick. I hate this so much.

-David