liking boys is fun and also not fun(sometimes)((all the time?))

Hi!!! certified guy liker here. here to say that like. this shit is complicated. 

now that ive been outta highschool for a couple of months now (and cause my ppl r kinda lame n dont let me go nowhere- nowhere being to the library because i love going there but i cant even go there a lot) and its kinda hard just not being forced to be around people as much. and this whole not being forced to be around people as much thing is kinda takin a bit of a toll on me. im a little more online as a result and finally able to put my whole head into doin a project yea sure but then its like HEY REMEMBER THAT GUY YOU LIKED WHO DIDNT REALLY LIKE YOU AT ALL REMEMBER THAT YEAH WASNT IT FUN TO HAVE CONNECTION????

of course, due to these being highschool crushes i dont like em no more. mainly bc its the one who i think forgot about me completely and doesnt like me + the dude who hasnt talked to me in ages and who has a girlfriend cause im not bouta even think ab scoring when there's already a goalie. and then that leaves me with this one dude who i may or may not like no more. i mean its easier for me to not like him back , or easier to make myself not like him. i mean its not like he was ever into me like that anyways, i dunno why he kinda made it seem like that. or maybe he didnt and i was just trippin cause i was too excited. i confessed to havin a crush and we kept talkin but he never said he liked me back so like. yknow. and we sort of havent talked as friends in forever and its like. i dunno. if i had the chance to be friends like we used to i would make myself not like him yknow cause like. i dont wanna mess up anything again. lowk hella shit was on him but i had some role to play in it too yknamean?? i miss him. but i know he's happy and if that means like, him not bein around me ,, like.  ... ah. whatever. what are ya gonna do?

liking guys is fun and difficult. truth be told, i loveeed the feeling of having a crush. its so... odd. id feel excited to see and talk to whoever it would be and then think about em a little more than usual after we'd be done. id draw shit for em and endulge in their interests when i could and then....? well. nothing lasts forever, does it?

none of this shit worked out for me but... yknow? im fine with it. even if it sucks im like,,, its bittersweet. i wish i could finally live out a good relationship but i guess the world dont think im ready yet. 

anyways this isnt my tumblr so im not tryna go into hella detail of me being secretly very like hoping for a long lasting loving romantic and occasionaly sexual relationship with a positive mutual bond and shared trust and interest in one and another with a cute guy (or a hot one. im not picky)  but like. i totally am. 

shit, maybe college will be a better fit for me and i'll get a boyf then! who knows. i sure dont. 

godd i want a boyf soooo bad god i wanna eat food and watch good tv shows and talk about our interests while we hang with eachother or just like around eachother aughhh. my time will come eventually though i know it will!!

its not like im desperate per say. its more of just like a "damn you want some connection dont you. yeahhh i know you do. too bad u got no game lmao" kinda thing. i was never one to go out and constantly seek relationships anyways if you already couldnt tell from the athf pfp loll. but its ,, more of just like. hm. just like,,, getting the urge to draw specific stuff but never getting your sketchbook cause you're too shy or something. i dunno. hard 2 explain. 

im chillin tho im not pressed and obsessed or nothin, i promise. just like,,, a little yearning i suppose. itd be nice, yknow?

anyways heres an animation i did based on these feelings. go ahead n check it out if you'd like i dunno :3 check it out or not i dont give a fuck 

https://youtu.be/NZp6G9eBTCA?si=xyugmgN75oWJGHbF     

ive learned to love and appreciate myself for who i am. i just think itd be nice to share some love- i mean. if i could. ive never truly loved anyone else like that yknow? love is hard. complicated. im well off on my own but one day i hope to experience it soon. 

oh!!! and heres a comment i left someone, my opinion of what romance is. i thought itd be neat to put here. 

yo.

if its anything romance is... subjective. kinda. the way mfs talk about their friends sometimes and platonic shit it does get confusing. VERY confusing. but if anything i could try giving an example.

hand holding. nothin much. you did it with your people when you was little, maybe you did it with your friends or not. and those, like love, all have different meanings.

if you get into a good, honest, loving relationship, id imagine it to still be like handholding but, the meaning is different, yknow? on one point,, thats YOUR hand. you create with it, maybe you write or draw with it or play music or type about things you like with it, its helped you bring up everything youve ever adored or been disgusted by and to trust someone else that they wont just stab it or snap off all your fingers yeah its. a very trust needing process.

and then you're holding the other person's hand. you dont know what theyve done, if theyve created, if theyve pushed away things they like and brought for things they hate and if they hold things they moderately enjoy. or maybe you do and simply want to feel, want to experience that longer. they trust you to hold their world and, you trust them right back. and you feel the warmth or coolness coursing throughout their being, their personality. and then you start to notice other things too like the sound of their voice when they bring up something they wanted to share with you or something like that.

romance, in my eyes, is a form of love thats almost unatainable but just enough in your grasp to the point where its everything and nothing you could ever want to experience,, and thats solid enough to give to someone, and for you to recieve someone elses.

take this shit with a grain of salt cause this is coming from a mf who has no game at all and who also happens to have never been in a good relationship so yknow. thats just what i think romance is. thats what it is to me atleast. and if youre aromantic then thats real as fuck you go gng. i got a friend who's triple A and its pretty fkin chill if u ask me. do whatever you want forever. you'll figure what you need to figure out soon dw i believe in you :3

cya. thanks for readin and keep it real