"When Can I Go Home?"

For some reason, I feel like venting my feelings out as someone who's constantly moving from country to county. I'm dealing with alot of homesickness so yeah.

I was still very young when my father went to another country for work - I knew that because of all of the video calls my mom would have with him. Every time it's his birthday, we'd always order stuff from Goldilocks (chocolate cake) and blow the candles for him. However, I'd always notice the state of my dad's living space. Maybe it's the camera quality back that made it look like that but it didn't look as nice as our house back in the Philippines.

At just 10 years old, I get to experience for the first time on what it's like to ride an airplane, because now dad can bring the whole family with him. I was excited, I'm ashamed to admit it but most of my feelings towards him was mostly materialistic, I mean I still love him but I'd sometimes expect too much every time he went home.

I don't feel like retelling about my experiences in Saudi too much - but it is somehow a nice place to be in. For some reason the aura around it felt like home - like you're living in a province back in the Philippines. Or maybe I was too young, though, the country felt like my 2nd home.

It didn't really stop me from going insane during the pandemic though, staring at the screen with everyone's cameras turned off during classes made young me feel empty inside to the point it ended up straining my relationship in living in Saudi. I guess it was the lockdown's fault that did it.

Going back home to the Philippines to do face to face classes again - honestly it just melted me. Not because it's so scorching hot lmao, but it's because of my peers. Back in elementary, I always felt like I didn't belong to anyone - just someone to be filler in a friend group's games when they can't seem to find another member to fill the player number. I went along and didn't stay. But when I was in 10th grade - it kinda changed. I mean, I'm still in alot of friend groups but for some reason, they let me stay. I dunno, maybe I just went so fucking crazy in online classes, I'd cling into anyone.

For the first time, I felt like I belonged. My first flight, I didn't have any issues letting go because I had no one I could call my own flock. But now - it's harder. I built my entire social life around it, I got so many people who do liked me for what I am and even had a boyfriend.

Now I'm here, in Australia. I still keep in touch with the others but it didn't feel the same. The pool party and the cafe hangout I had with them as something to bid me farewell are memories far away now. I missed them and everything.

Being in another country just hurts now, during the airplane ride, I kind off had to hold back tears knowing I won't see them until another summer vacation. 

I had a friend who's from Japan, she was giving small little gifts to her friends and teachers because she's going back home. I was, you know, happy for her. Knowing the experience of being in another country and finally going back home, it felt good. But then, I think I'm getting homesick too.

I'd give everything to go home. But I should at least try to appreciate the things I have now.

sorry if none of this makes sense, I feel kind of sentimental rn