the ghost of him

just yappin but maaan it's insane more than half a year has passed since my ex broke up with me. When we were together, the mere thought of us being strangers scared me to death. It literally made me tear up, and it's even more ironic how a few weeks before it happened I was talking to a friend about how it "was my biggest fear". Thing is, it being my "biggest fear" gave me more anxiety because i thought the universe/God would eventually make it happen to teach me a lesson. And it happened!!! The process has been quite interesting, I think about being together at this point and the thought irks me. Not in a "I don't love him anymore" or a "fuck love" way. It's more about the person he has been these past few months, a person I think I don't recognize anymore. A person who wouldn't give me the security I need. It's been eye opening, I respect my boundaries more than ever knowing I won't let anyone trample over my idea of respect just because I love them. It makes me excited for the future, to think about meeting someone that aligns with my morals, values, level of loyalty etc??? The occasional thought of "no hope" has passed through my head but I know how silly that is. Somewhere out there there's someone that has my very same core values. Someone that's also wishing for me without KNOWING it will be me. 

Even so, the ghost of him haunts me. I can still see him. In some of the things I say, some of the jokes I make even some mannerisms I do. He was a part of me for years, and I see it reflected. It's weird, because even after everything I was trying to be loyal in thought, in action. Even after HE broke up with me. I grief for a person that's still alive yet can't perceive. Everything I've found out about what he's been up to seems so strange, odd and alienated. Like it couldn't be him, yet it is. It kind of makes me want to go a little bit more wild, not as in random hook ups but more in spirit. Lol, I feel like I need to loosen up even more. The universe has gifted me with time, space and energy for myself. No anxiety, just me existing. Idk!