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I think the hardest thing for me to hear or read is when people say to "embrace your inner child." My inner child is so vulnerable and fragile. I have dreams constantly of me in school again. One of the few places I guess I felt safe even though I was an outsider. Like yes I had friends, people had crushes on me, but if my best friend was not there I'd spend my lunches in the library with my nose in a book. Friends were hard. But I have dreams of school, both elementary and high school. Apparently middle school has been blocked out but I'll dream of being a child, hell even an adult. I'll see my old school, I'll walk through the halls, try to find my way to class, try to participate in activities, in high school I worry about graduating or test taking, being an adult among children. Not in a creepy way, more like a super senior or something ya know? Like I chose to take an extra year or something so I could keep going to school. Almost melancholy in the way it feels. Like I'm trying to keep a hold of a memory or the days where I got to actually feel like a kid and feel safe. Revisit old crushes or old enemies. Dick down a hot chick, get dicked down by a hot person (usually my spouse, even in my dreams I pretty fucking loyal), beat the shit outta someone being a bully or trying to pick a fight with me. Except my punches barely land and I feel like I'm doing no damage. Normally I'll just keep wailing on them until the message is read, don't fuck with me, don't fuck with my family, don't fuck with my friends and don't be an asshole.
Which sounds so ridiculously cliché, like those posts you see of people trying to be all macho or intimidating and being like "Don't mess with me or I'll bring the wolf out" or some stupid shit. Like bro, I could flick your forehead and you'd probably cry but you do you boo boo.
I guess in my dreams it's a chance to feel in control, like I can change or make a difference even if it means putting someone in their place for being racist or homophobic or some shit. In my dreams that's my almost safe place. I mean it's not like reality is bad; it's stressful right now but not bad, I have a good life, good friends, good family etc.
I still have dreams where people who I don't talk to pop up, almost like a reconciliation or something but even in my dreams I'm getting to that point where I either ignore them, fight them or tell them to fuck off. Instead of trying to fix it, I reject them.
You ever hear of dream travel or dream messages? One of the reasons I react negatively to these people is to not only remind myself that they're no longer in my life for a reason but to also send a message back telling them to fuck off. (Just in case it is a dream message)
Dreams are confusing and hard to understand. Sometimes they leave me pondering, sometimes I wake up in a panic and other times they're very......satisfying if you catch my drift.
I think I've come to like this site, nobody knows me, I don't know anybody and I can type into the void what ever is on my mind. True I keep it purposefully vague because people are weird on the internet but still. Its nice to have a place to puke up my thoughts without feeling like I've exposed myself to much for judgement.
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