self careee

Good morning peeps on my phone lol

Been a bit since my first blog and things have gotten a little hectic to say the least haha 

Nothing bad, thankfully, but I'm also taking measures to make sure I don't feel like it is, cuz intrusive thoughts can do some weird things to ya after humoring them for years - especially when they start taking dark turns. 

If there's anything I've learned from therapy, it's that reactions are the most important part of any deep, difficult, or hell - ANY scenario, but the longer you continue to visualize them, the more you continue to build expectations for how they'll play out in reality. 

The way I see it is it's like a bad time machine that you think will show you the future, but all it actually does is create a future with no discernable pathway to reach it, which I believe (through personal experience, too) creates the excuse that you can uphold certain behaviors and that as long as things go your way, everything will be alright. So when time comes that this scenario is proven wrong, it causes a domino effect of negative reactions - to which you've not only failed to reach or avoid those outcomes that pop up in your mind, but it also results in a feedback loop that continues to affirm more and more negative behavior without any conscious discernability that you were the one in the wrong from the get go.

You can't predict the future, you can't control things that are out of your control, and you can't act like everything is always going to go your way. You don't even have to believe these things, sometimes it's all subconscious and you just haven't realized it yet.

Of course, we're only human - sometimes all that's on our mind is that we want what's best for us, and it's okay to make misteps as long as we eventually understand that life is all about the things we can control, and the first thing above all else that one should be prioritizing is their self.

Some might say it's selfish to prioritize yourself over others - I used to believe so, but there's nothing wrong with self-care. It doesn't even matter if you're selfless - if you can't take care of yourself, how are you expected to take care of those around you as well?

It's taken me a long while to reach this point, and there's still some bumps in the road I find myself discovering or even revisiting - nobody's perfect, but as long as you recognize those bumps as part of your journey and how you can learn from them without consulting the expectations built from fictitious scenarios, you realize that life isn't a perfectionist run. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't care about your actions, you just need to think more about what works and what doesn't or else you'll end up in a completely different loop - no matter how serious or unserious it is, kinda like gambling. 

Don't gamble your life away. Take care of yourself, observe your actions and reactions, and think about how they'll affect you in the long run. You're meant to live life, not gamble and/or survive it, because the more you treat it like the latter, it can feel easier to spite everything rather than appreciate it.

But I've rambled in enough - I wasn't planning on making such a deep discussion out of this, but I'm happy it turned out that way! Good to get some thoughts off my chest. Maybe you might find some insight on this or perhaps I'm just shooting this stuff out my ass and it turns out to be a big ol nothing burger. Regardless, thanks for taking the time to read! I hope the week treats you well, and I especially hope y'all continue to be your best selves.

Much love! <3