i have many thoughts

idk this is completely random but ive been trying to be more.... ig expressive in what i enjoy, whether its my hobbies or just showing things in my everyday life thats interesting. im thinking of posting some irl/vlog type stuff on my tiktok/instagram/youtube cuz sometimes its cool to show stuff

anyway ive been using tiktok more recently ig?? probably not a good idea for me because sometimes i rlly do be scrolling for way too long LMFAOOOO but im trying to limit it </3 ive had tiktok for a while but ive never really went out of my way to use it, previously bc my old phone was very bad so it could not run it well even if i was just watching stuff. i was also kind of pulling a boomer moment and being like nooooo i dont need to use tiktok!!!! which i mean its probably for the best but i just like to look at specific stuff like those japanese messy vlogs. omg those r my favorite like im not big on asmr but i guess opening and closing containers rubs my brain somehow

since ive been using tiktok.... its probably because of my fyp, but WHYYYY is everyone on alt tiktok so obsessed with proving themselves that theyre not a poser?? i understand the frustration of seeing things like "conservative punks/goths" or whatever but like. there will be teenagers just calling ppl posers for not meeting certain criteria like listening to certain bands or doing certain activities or dressing a certain way. its so obnoxious, ive never met an "alt" person irl that has vehemently policed me on how to "properly be alt" and i think its ironic considering how tiktok has watered down a lot of subcultures too, but partially also bc of.... CAPITALISM WOOOO man i hate it here

i think its especially sad seeing teenagers on tiktok bullying other teenagers, some ppl as young as maybe 13-14 on how to be "alt" or any specific subculture. i understand a lot of ppl are probably getting annoyed by the misuse of certain labels like idk yeah id be pretty annoyed if someone called a trad goth emo because thats just incorrect, but the obsession with ppl trying to prove others wrong is INSANE. ppl need to learn to just scroll and move on if they see something they dont like, fuck the block button is there for a reason

not everyone is going to get it "right" at first ESPECIALLY if they are young and new, like when i was 12-13 i desperately wanted look like a scene queen but i didnt know how to properly express myself back then so i ended up looking rlly awkward. i wanted to dye my hair bright blue bc there was a girl at my middle school that had the most beautiful blue scene kid hair. it was exactly what i wanted on myself but i didnt think my parents would let me do a full head of blue hair, so instead i asked my friend to help me do an ombre style and she completely botched it and i ended up going to school with the worst haircut AND fried tips that werent even bleached enough to retain any dye. i cringe every time i look at my yearbook photos from 2012-2013 bc oh god the lighting in the photos made me look even worse BUT... in spite of all of that, at the end of the day i was just experimenting and trying something new and now as an adult i can properly express myself just like how i wanted to in middle school (although maybe ill just get a blue wig bc bleaching my jet-black hair WILL fry tf out of it)

something id also like to mention is the idea that in order to be alternative u need to be super informed on politics. i dont want to say this isnt the case but again, we all start somewhere, we were all new at some point, and i certainly think its important (esp in our current political climate) to be well-informed. that being said, i also dont expect teenagers to be... insanely up to date with it??? like i certainly wasnt back then BECAUSE I WAS 13 like tbh i dont even think i knew wtf was going on lmao. and back then "doomscrolling" wasnt a thing yet, when i got my first smartphone all i wanted to do was play games on it and take pictures. AND THATS OKAY???? i dont expect 13 year olds to fully grasp the nuances of politics, esp bc it can get so stressful, they will get there when they get there just push them in the right direction

i like to think of myself as an example, bc again, when i was in middle school i did enjoy a lot of music and fashion that would be considered alt and i thought i needed to have all of the cool stuff that the scene queens had back then (and then i proceeded to only buy like 1 blink-182 rubber bracelet bc i didnt have money as a 13 y/o LMFAOOO) to be "alternative." i was really just scratching the surface and only really cared about the fashion and the music, but as time went on and ive been informing myself, im much more involved in things like DIY, creative hobbies, political discussion and how i can make the best with what i have. i started shallow, but now after years and years of immersing myself in the scene im much more experienced and informed than before so im able to make more conscious decisions that not only bring me joy but also pride in being able to do my part, even if its small

but that didnt magically happen in an instant. it took years of self discovery for me to get here. at the beginning of highschool i wanted to wear kawaii fashion, then tumblr hippie, and then to basic/baddie, and then to kfashion, only to return to emo/scene in the 2020s. ive been wearing the same style ever since, and despite my attempt at trying to appear more "normal" i always secretly indulged in more geeky hobbies. even when i was trying to be basic/baddie, i still enjoyed watching anime and playing otome dating sims and listening to drama cds, i just didnt "look" the part bc i was afraid of expressing myself in a way ppl would find weird or strange. theres a lot of reasons why ppl may not look like what society thinks an emo or scene or goth or punk or whatever subculture person should look like, and for teenagers who are limited to money or parental supervision or just plain inexperience they may have a hard time figuring out how to express themselves.

you arent limited to one thing forever, if you end up trying fashion or hobbies or whatever and not liking it thats okay. its all a part of the growing process, especially for (but not limited to) teenagers who are going thru puberty and trying to figure out their place in the world. its just a waste of time and energy to gatekeep, when that time and energy should be spent on educating and helping newcomers instead. there will always be bad actors and yes theyre annoying but its not something that should deter ppl from being nice and polite to others

anyways tl;dr if ur a teen or even an adult, ignore the ppl trying to gatekeep every little thing and dont feel like u need to prove urself to ppl, we all start somewhere and self discovery is a very long journey. IT IS NOT A COMPETITION. dont be afraid to experiment and try new things!! real ppl with kind hearts will HELP and ENCOURAGE u to express urself the way u want, those r the ppl u should stick with. dont feel bad if u think ur not doing enough everyone takes it at their own pace, all that matters is that ur trying ur best ^_^ ALSO TOUCH GRASS!!!!!

sorry if this is a jumbled mess i just wanted to yap ok bye