the executive at this function

5:30 A.M. - my alarm goes off. 

5:31 A.M. - my alarm is still going off. 

5:32 A.M. - my alarm is going offffff harder than my roommate getting infuriated at my other roommate about our magic the gathering game and explaining some obscure rule that i really dont understand. my roommate, bless him, eventually stops when his point is made. my alarm doesn't - it has much more to say, mostly about me. 

5:35 A.M. - i turn off my alarm. 

i get off of my bed, that still doesn't have a bed frame, and i go to my bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror. 

i blink. i rub my eyes. i splash water on my face. i put on an oil based cleanser, followed by a water based cleanser, and as i wipe off the mixture, im overcome by one central and overwhelming and all consuming thought: 

why bother?

like yeah - i need to work to keep myself alive and a roof over my head, i need to do the very basics. i certainly don't want to be homeless, ive already come close to that a few times after all. i mean, i even like my job, don't i?

but sometimes, anything beyond that is just so hard. so inexplicably hard. and that's not to say i don't have passions and desires and dreams, because ive always had so many, almost too many; a crushing amount of them.

im young, i tell myself - i have time. so i put it off. i rationalize. i start too late, or not at all. i don't take the smart road, i just sit there. i procrastinate, and the sand falls into the hourglass.

my life is slipping out of my grip and im terrified.

i sigh, and put on moisturizer. 

forcing myself to care, i reach for concealer and a brush.

how do you pronounce rosacea again?

5:45 A.M. - i sit on the back steps eating a microwaved breakfast sandwich and try not to think about smoking a cigarette. this far outside the city, the stars are visible. it reminds me of where i grew up. orion's belt will always be my companion.

5:50 A.M. - i finish getting dressed.

...am i a fraud? i'm working in mental health care and having thoughts like these. thoughts i know are unhealthy. thoughts that i know that are just rumination and a desperate need for adhd medication that i haven't taken in years, as well as, in all likelihood, psychotherapy.

how can i help anyone when i can't help myself?

at the very least, i'm a hypocrite.

but everyone's a bit hypocritical.

6:05 A.M - traffic in this city is bad. google maps takes me a different route to work every morning no matter how early i leave, and it unsettles me, because i want it to be the same. i really want it to be the same way to work, every day, because nothing in my life is ever quite the same every time, and if just one thing was, i'd really like that.

8:00 A.M. - 4:00 P.M. - i do my job. i'm good at my job, i think. the job isn't the problem. its more the drama.

have you ever seen heathers? the clinic i work at is like heathers, but with socially conservative nursing students, and heather chandler can actually just get me fired. i don't even get a toxic murder-boyfriend. or the coordinated color-coded outfits.

...or a lunch break. i have to eat while working, if i even get to eat. is that illegal?

5:32 P.M. - i get home. if i maximize my time, i have approximately 6 hours 28 minutes to do everything i need to do before i absolutely HAVE to go to sleep, and even that is pushing it, because i really shouldn't be operating off of less than six hours of sleep a night, but if i hurry i can-

12:01 A.M. - 

"Alarm set for 5 hours and 29 minutes from now."

cool. 

love that.