Ribbit Rants III

I think that although I have emotional observance, I would have a hard time putting it into words and therefore I look like I actually don’t know a lot. I do. It's just a little difficult to express sometimes. If I notice something in someone, I don't want to miss the point so I might keep it to myself until we're engaged in a deep conversation.

For future references, I actually find it difficult to voice my metaphors out loud, so I write on paper instead. Sometimes I say things that don't make sense, but I'll refine them beautifully in my writing. The clever comments come occasionally - and yes I relish in those very much. I think this public awkwardness dissolves into actual banter once I trust this person.

Trying to work on myself. Personality wise, y'know? My dad said that I defend myself way too easily and that when he says something remotely negative I take it personally. He's good. He says that it's because of my treatment from my mom.

My dad said I need to manage my time better. Which yeah, I agree with.

I'm at a new school too so I have a lot of stress. My dad's thinking of making me drop some of the college level courses because I hardly have time to relax or have a life at home.

Hell. I spent the entire weekend on a History assignment AND IT DIDN'T EVEN GET FINISHED.

And like, I feel bad because if I drop those advanced classes I feel like I let myself down. I think it's because I feel like the harder I work will make me worth something, and something worthy of my effort will be given. My dad is urging me to go and have a life, that college will end up being a chunk of a waste of time if you can't even apply anything to the real-world. You'll drown yourself in student debt and probably for nothing. I would love to go to college, but I've decided not to do that right now. 

And it's extra weird because when I finally finish my homework (it can be a lot, last week was a bunch of work and I get home doing work until I go to bed.) and when I have nothing to do now, I feel uneasy. I feel empty in a way, like I'm being unproductive.

Anyways I'm leaning toward establishing a life now. I want a life, y'know? I wanna go out with friends and go over to their house. I mean yeah, I'm a part of theatre but it's just that connection. Back at my other school it was kind of like you were friends in theatre but you wouldn't wave in the hallways or try and hang out with them. I was a try-hard. I wanted to fit in so badly, but I was a suck-up.

This school is a bit different, I haven't done the suck-up part very much. But I really want to make connections other than theatre. I was assigned a group in English AP with these two girls. One of them is foreign (Arabic maybe?) and the other is Asian, they're really nice. And kinda funny, we were so tired on Friday. We were giggling and our brain couldn't comprehend the words. It was cute. I like that. I don't know if there's anything I could do to strengthen that bond, or if I could even do that. I don't want to revert back to half-acknowledged glances once we get paired with a different group.

I wanna have a genuine connection, but I know that I'm kind of boring as hell to talk to. I'm terrible at small-talk and I usually give tiny replies when I'm listening to someone speak. GOD. It's annoying. And I'm almost certain it's because of that that I don't have many connections.

So yeah. There's my rant. I'm a loser venting about being lonely even though I said that I was going to be perfectly fine with it.