the paradox of attraction

attraction is strange, at least to me. it seems like something simple but the more i start to think about it the more it starts to blur. 

for a while i've thought that i liked all genders or no genders; but always one or the other equally. gender doesn't matter to me and i've never liked or disliked just one gender. 

everyone is just human right? yet humans keep dividing themselves into labels and preferences (something i'm not very fond of), like colors in a paint set, separating shades that weren't meant to stay apart. 

of course, discrimination and the socially accepted norms have a lot to do with these labels and preferences, but that isn't really what this blog entry is about, although i will mention it briefly now.

for so long, being anything besides "normal" (straight + cis) wasn't and still isn't always accepted. this discrimination built walls around certain types of love and people got used to staying inside of them. now we call it preference, but maybe it's just an echo of what we were told was right. 

i wonder if it's all about appearance sometimes. the physical/visible appearance. people say they fall for personality, for thoughts, for who someone really is. but if that were true, then why does it matter so much what body someone is in? what "parts" they have? 

why would a straight girl never look twice at another girl, even if that girl has the same humor, kindness, and quiet confidence as the type of guy the straight girl swears shes in love with? why couldn't she feel that for a girl who's exactly the same in every way except for how she looks? why does one version deserve love and the other doesn't? if that girl and that type of guy are mentally the exact same person why couldn't the straight girl love that girl? its all about the physical body. 

and that's the strange part. people often can't love someone who is mentally and emotionally identical to the gender they're attracted to simply because of their body. the same thoughts, the same humor, the same way of caring or seeing the world doesn't matter if the outward appearance doesn't match the expected label. gender becomes a filter, separating people from the ones they might otherwise connect with. attraction stops being about who someone is and becomes about the physical image someone expects. 

another example of this is that if i feel like a guy on the inside but haven't been able to transition or come out publicly yet, people won't see me that way. they'll only see the outline, the body, the part that doesn't match what's in my head. and i wouldn't blame them for not knowing, but when their attraction changes when i tell them, then it just doesn't make sense. thats when i started to realize how fragile attraction really is. 

why couldn't someone who apparently likes guys, like me? someone who's mentally a guy? 

if i tell someone something as minor (not minor as in unimportant, but in the sense that gender shouldn't change anything) as "i'm a guy and always have been", why does that change things? what part of me stops being the same? my thoughts didn't change. my personality didn't. the way i care, the way i laugh, the way i think about the world is all still me. but somehow, this label shifts everything. 

someone who might have liked me otherwise won't anymore, like the truth rewrote who i was to them. it's strange how much hinges on perception, how much love depends on sight. maybe it's not about gender at all. maybe it's about how well someone fits the image of what another person thinks they want.

it's the same for people who like girls. before they know, they might still like me, see me as someone who fits into what they're drawn to. but the moment they learn i'm a guy (even if i've been a guy mentally this entire time), suddenly i don't fit anymore. this is where it starts to blur when i think about it and it's strange to me how love and attraction bend around gender like it's some rule we all quietly agreed on without ever asking why.

it's strange to me how it flips depending on who's looking. this flip decides who gets seen and who doesn't.

that's what makes it so hard for closeted trans people. the world looks at you through a lens that decides what kind of people you're allowed to be, and who's allowed to love you. you can think and feel exactly like the person someone says they want, but until you "pass" as the version of gender they recognize, it's like you don''t count. 

love is a game with rules you were never told. 

gender acts like a filter and blocks people from seeing each other for who they actually are. this unfairness is a big thing closeted trans people have to face since they're often unseen or mis seen because of this same filter. it hurts when all you want is to be seen clearly. 

everyone's just human, with the same messy thoughts, the same need to be seen and wanted. but the world still acts like you have to look a certain way to be loved a certain way. 

so what does preference really mean? is it just a polite way of saying, "i like certain shapes of people"? people call it attraction, but it's mostly what we've been taught to see as right. somewhere in that, it starts to blur into discrimination, especially towards trans people, who are seen differently just because of the body they were born in. if everyone is human, why should the shape of that humanity decide on who's worth loving? 

---holy yapper!! erm so i may have gotten a little carried away but i hope got my point across through this entry. this wasn't meant to offend anyone!! i know it's kind of a controversial opinion but this is more me like yapping about how confusing these preferences are to me personally and not like trying to hate on anyone. i don't care what your sexuality is or gender is or if you have preferences, i just think that we shouldn't discriminate against (even unknowingly) trans people, especially closeted trans people or those who have not transitioned---