Struggling with mental illness

Soo for the past half a year i was clean from anything unhealthy. I struggle with many things like depression, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and other things im not comfortable mentioning ..

But these things completely ruined my life. 

For some time i was able to think outside the box and get better, and i did i was really happy for a long time (which isnt that long but it feels like it to me)

But for the past month or so ive been having the worst nightmares ever, that trigger me into falling back into really bad habits. 

For a while i was able to just shrug it off, but the more they exist or pop up, the more im afraid im going to do something bad or itll end up me hurting others. 

These nightmares or thoughts whatever, pop up so much, it makes me think its trying to tell me something about myself. 

But its the most disgusting thing ever. i fucking hate it. 

I want my brain to just explode due to the things it imagines.

Why cant it fucking stop i hate it with all my being.

And erm for the record im not that clean anymore. 

Like its not smth where im struggling thru my gender or sexuality, no im already really comfortable with that. And i already went thru this whole thing a years back where i was learning to accept myself.

This is on a whole new level of wrong, its morally and ethically wrong. LEGALLY WRONG EVEN. The thoughts slowly consume me, but ill try to not let them construct me into anything. 

I hate waking up or even sleeping in fear of getting a uncontrollable nightmare/dream or scenario i didnt FUCKING ASK FOR. 

like what happened to getting dreams where im jumping around in a unicorn. 

I feel like i disappointed ppl, like i had made a vow to the two things i love. i saw a post from Vic fuentes, which was prolly fake now that i look back on it and searching up the validity of it, but it helped me cope with things better. 

So Vic fuentes and for my south park son, craig tucker. 

Prolly sounds dumb but it worked for me. 

I have really bad thoughts/scenarios that pop up randomly ignoring them leads to me fixated on them, and thinking about them leads me to just think long and hard of them.

They make me feel guilty for liking things, since the thoughts that pop up make me feel so horrible. 

Just really inappropriate things and i hate it. 

Times like this make me think i really need a therapist or psychiatrist… im going crazy haha. Not to self diagnose but im pretty sure i have ocd or smth… T T

Wish me luck to lock in and not do anything worse