₊˚ʚ ₊˚✧ ﾟ. Fear of the Unknown

   I think I did more things this week for my future than I've done in months and... it's terrifying.

   I've always let my anxiety and paranoia dictate my life and my choices, always thinking that I'll never be good enough to do the things I really wanted to do. That fear deterred me from going to art school because "what if I can't use my degree for anything", which lead me into IT where maybe I'd be happy if my uni actually taught me anything.

   For so long, I thought I was wasting my life away. I had backup plans after backup plans in case things never worked out, but I never had a plan I was actually happy with. No career path, no "I wanna work in X", nothing. Taking into account I'm halfway through uni now and that's just a recipe for disaster. Because no one actually prepares you for this, no one sits you down to ask you about your passions and give you a list of options and discuss it with you. I'm sure there's career coaches like that somewhere, but where I live that's basically unheard of.

   So, what did I actually do that was so scary?

   I signed up for a graphics design course. All on my own, no one holding my hand, I signed up for it. I know, it doesn't look like a lot.

   But damn does it feel so fucking good.

   I don't know if this is the right move, with the rise of AI and "we're all being replaced by robots!!!" and all that. But I just can't put art away, I can't stay away from it, I tried, I didn't want to go into an artistic field because what if I start hating it? What if I hate the one thing that makes me feel alive?

   I hate thinking about 'what if's, but the 'what if's like to enter my brain like ad pop ups on your screen. I just want to do what makes me happy without being afraid of it. I wish I wasn't so afraid of things, because it's not just the fear of the unknown, it's also the fear of failure. If I'm not good at something right away, I drop it. I don't have it in me anymore to start something from zero, it feels like everyone who's already doing the thing I wanna start doing is somehow an expert at half my age and oh no I wasted my life away again. My brain is dumb.

   I know, like always, I'll look back at this and wonder "Why was I so scared? Everything turned out fine." and I know it always does, things will always, eventually, fall into place. It's always just a waiting game. But I've never been the patient sort when I really want something.

   Another thing to start learning!!! Patience!!! Adding it to the list.

     Listening: Skarrsinger Karmelita - Christopher Larkin
I'm almost done with Silksong! I technically have 100% in my save file, but I'm still hunting for the last 2 mementos I need for my collection :3 I've had the soundtrack on loop for a few days now and I think this one's my favorite song.

     Watching: Hermitcraft 10: Episode 41 - THE HOMESTRETCH! by Grian
Goodbye, season 10 :'3 I've been watching HC since season 5, but this season's ending felt more bittersweet than the others somehow.

     Playing: Sea of Thieves
My partner is preparing to run a sea-faring themed D&D campaign sometime at the end of the year (or whenever their current one ends), so we're doing research for it by playing this! We haven't gone to high seas yet, only played in safer seas till we get our own captain boat haha