i wish i were a ‘real’ boy

i feel like no matter what i do nobody will ever truly see me as an actual boy like they would a cis boy

right now there’s no possibility in anyone thinking i’m a boy

my face is too feminine, my voice is too high, my hips are too wide, my chest isn’t flat, overall i just look too feminine

i hate looking at myself in the mirror. i hate looking at myself in photos because i always think “i’d look better if i was more masculine”

i feel like when/if i do come out it’ll just be people memorizing my pronouns and calling me a different name, not actually viewing me as a boy

i already go by my name (charli) and some people call me by it (my teachers, sometimes my mom, people online (obviously)) but most people don’t, even when i KNOW they’ve heard others call me it

i told my parents i wanted to go by charli and my dad made a semi-big deal abt it (jokingly, like saying “really?? you? you’re going by charli now??” but like. less rude ig) and ik they’re fine with me going by a different name but they barely call me by charli and it’s been months

and my friends don’t call me by charli even though they’ve heard me be called it by ALL my teachers. one even asked ‘…do you go by charli now?’ and i said yes and they were like ‘ok’ and i thought they would call me it but they don’t?

i guess it’s probably because i’ve known them for a while, but still..it’s not that hard to just call someone a different name??

i guess it’s not necessarily deadnaming since nobody knows i’m trans, but still…

,,back on topic,

i just hate how feminine or ‘girly’ i look. i wish i could get a binder, or anything. i wish i was androgynous or masculine. but i feel like i’ll never look that way

i already ‘struggle’ with how i look enough, and being trans has just made it a whole lot worse. i wish i could just choose how i looked. it would solve everything

-charli