that feeling…

it felt weird, dissapearing without a warning. leaving everyone and just ignoring their messages when asking me what happened, if they did something wrong. they didn’t, i just needed to get away from it all. but finally talking again in chat and the moment they noticed me, few people started saying hi back.

i feel bad. for leaving.

but i needed to do it. i always feel like im running out of time, lately like my creativity that used to be a full glass, has started cracking. and slowly it has gona away in drips.

i feel like i have regressed in everything

i needed to concentrate in my uni. in getting this fucking degree done, so i can work. be depressed for a little, get enough money. and go back to streaming

i love streaming, did i tell you guys that?. but i actually cant, im mostly quiet all of the time, i have learned to keep my thoughts to myself, my opinions to myself. so it was hard to crack the shell. hell i didn’t even buy my own mic, my ex did. i feel like i own him that. he bought most if my equipment and still left. i wanna sell it. but at the same time i dont. because i wanna go back. when im ready and not running on everyones and ruining everything 

i left. leaving people with false promises of stuff i knew i couldn’t do, but still tried to give. because i was scared. im always scared of what people will think. and i think thats why i always end up abandoning everything at half.

if im not good enough for it, why even bother?

i wanted to learn guitar when i was a kid, i was told that “we will not waste changing the cords of just ONE guitar, because some lousy kid wants to learn it” because i was a leftie. they sended me to sing in public instead. i developed stage fright after that.

i wanted to learn piano. but i was told “youre not even good enough, youre notes are too stiff, stay singing” so i didn’t try again

i tried drawing, and i was good enough. for years, until another person came that was better than me. and even tho they didn’t say it. i could feel it nagging in my head.

so im done with art, atleast for now. that feeling has been nagging me for about 3 years now. i think its finally time to just let go of this all together.

i cant even finish a sketch anymore, colors are too difficult and shape language is a mess. my anatomy is shit and my lines are too stiff.

ill be back on it, maybe. when that feeling goes away