Bodies Bodies Bodies

Despite both being huge things that many struggle with, I find that not a lot of people understand that being skinny ≠ being or feeling pretty as well as healthy 

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 I sometimes cannot comprehend how people be so insensitive to other's struggles, because nothing of a sort should ever be compared or be deemed as less than. struggling with being fat and skinny are different but actually quite the same in many aspects.

But I'm mostly here to talk about how struggling, being skinny has been looked down upon many or being taken as a joke because "are you kidding me? you're skinny, what problems could you possibly have?" "If I had your appetite and metabolism, I would have no problems" 

Everyone has their own perception of their "dream body goal". Having lived my life with backhanded compliments handed out to me, then saying to "just eat" "eat" "eat" was not ideal I could tell you that much. The problem could never be solved with "just eating" the same way it can't be helped to just starve to achieve your own dream body. 

I've always envied those with curves and those with beautiful arms and thighs while mine felt like sticks no matter how much I try to force myself to eat. My family telling me that "Why don't you just eat normally" which I believe there is no such thing. I've never been diagnosed with an ED nor would I like to know but even so, I have a pretty fast metabolism and if I don't be consistent with my vitamins, I believe I wouldn't have an appetite at all. I've always had a questionable appetite, not that I was ever ungrateful for food or anything but, I would either forget to eat or just don't feel the need to, I've always thought before I do "am I eating to just eat or am I hungry?" because most of the time it all felt performative, it came a time where I didn't understand the feeling of my hunger or if I ever do feel hungry or if I should feel hungry. I didn't want to eat, not necessarily but I ate because I had to, felt obligated to and it even felt like a chore.

I hated feeling that way so much because it felt like I didn't understand eating at all. Ridiculous am I right? but no, It's not. The same way that you struggle with not wanting to gain weight, I struggle with gaining it, the way you never understood how you succumb to eating, I did so with not eating. They are very different but might as well be sisters at the same time.

Neither are okay to mock at, none is less of importance than the other.

There was a time, I was only ten or eleven, but I hated being told that "you never eat" "do you not like the food" "stop being disrespectful and eat". I truly thought at one point that I was doing it on purpose, that I wasn't actually full when I was and so I ate. It felt so wrong but I ate and they were so proud, I ate and they cheered, I was being good so good because I ate, even after my stomach said stop but moments, only moments where I was able to bathe in praise for the first time in a way time felt frozen but it was only a moment. A moment after I ruined dinner by throwing it out back on the table, I don't think I understood the reaction I had, nor do I remember the rest of that dinner. It was all just a blur after that. 

My situation with eating only got worse after that even when I believed I was getting better. For now, though, I do believe I'm actually better. I do feel hunger, and I do eat when I want, and I do stop when I know I can't. My vitamins help but it's difficult to be consistent with them, and I am no longer surrounded by people who force me to eat nor care about those who assume I'm being disrespectful when I simply just can't eat anymore. My eating habits are still in progress but I'm getting better, my mindset is getting better, and I'm on a journey to achieve the body I want, gradually and at my own pace and I will never have anyone force anything down my throat ever again.

I mean that literally. 

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 This isn't a means to seek sympathy, that is the last thing I need. Just to simply say that you have to think before you say something to literally anyone and to also spread awareness because there definitely are many who are still struggling with food in whatever way it is. 

Your struggles are not less than anyone else's. It matters no matter how big the universe is, it matters and no matter how alone you feel and seem, reality you are not, never are because even if not in this lifetime, even after a million years, there will be someone struggling to crawl the same way you once did.

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 Note: Just like how you see someone so beautiful, there will always be someone who sees you in that same very way.

-Em 💫