I MADE MY APPOINTMENT

So, I know I said I was going to write the next day... That was an exaggeration, to say the least. I, currently, am incapable of being able to just keep to my schedule. My depression has gotten worse so it's gotten harder to motivate myself to do anything. At least I'm still brushing my teeth, eh? For those of you who are not aware of depression, yes, sometimes it gets so bad people don't even brush their teeth. Back on topic! I made my therapy appointment, FINALLY! It's for the 12th. I'm terrified. I've never been to therapy. I think my problem is that I'm afraid they're going to say something is wrong with me. Obviously, I know something is wrong with me. Having my physician diagnose me was enough for me to feel shocked but I think to have a therapist/psychiatrist say it really solidifies it. It's permanent then. It's most likely not a misdiagnosis. The concreteness of this is the scariest part of all of this. I'm afraid of being told I'm a monster. I'm afraid it won't work. I'm afraid they'll give me medicine that will turn me into a zombie like my physician did. I need this though. I need this more than anything. This depression is destroying my relationship. I can't stop being angry. I can't stop fighting, no matter how hard I try. I almost lost someone last night. My boyfriend and I are going on two years together. I almost cost myself that love. He thinks I hate him. I don't blame him, but I could never hate him. How could he know that though? All I do is say mean things to him and blame him for things that he can't control. I find anything wrong and blow it out of proportion until he's ready to leave me. The craziest part is that he never wants to leave on his own, but I kick him out. I don't even want him to leave. I want him until I'm old and gray and can't walk without a cane. I love him so much it hurts, but I just can't shut the fuck up to save my life. I know I've hurt him so much. I keep hurting him and he still stays. Yesterday he almost left me. It's my fault none the less. The first time I didn't kick him out and he was ready to leave. That hit me like a bag of bricks. He was ready to be done with me. I don't know why God put him in my life. All I do know is that I love him and I'm hurting him. I feel so toxic to everyone around me. With all this being said, the twelfth can't come soon enough. I want to name my beast. The minute it has a name is the minute I know what I'm fighting. I'm going to win this battle. I'm going to be better. Not just for my relationship but for me. One day soon I won't want to hurt myself anymore. One day soon I'll be content. I can't wait!