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tw ... gross i fucking guess?
i took a shower a couple weeks ago. i think. before that i'd gone... around 2 months without. i could have gone longer but i was visiting family and didn't necessarily want to subject them to my odor, i guess.
i don't hate being clean. i don't really... love it. sure, after a shower, i feel pretty good. not so oily, not so itchy, not so pungent. feels nice to stroke clean, soft hair. when it's washed and dried and combed, my hair feels like silk. smells like soap. such a good, well groomed dog.
then i wait. i waste.
i don't do much, so i don't get real grimy real fast. and it takes a while to accumulate any noticeable smell. i wear deodorant (when i remember, which is most days, usually). i wear clean clothes when i have them. i wipe my ass until the toilet paper comes back clean, dont worry about that, fuck.
i'll be honest though, i like my musk. i think it smells good. it doesn't radiate far, it doesn't trail, it's like my own personal shrinkwrap of sweat and hormones and grime (stinkwrap. ha ha).
my space is kept relatively clean. for the most part. laundry piles up. empty soda cans, dishes with or without food, crumbs in my bed and on the floor, stains on my sheets... plus a lizard and breeding colony of roaches. and a cat. and me. my room probably has a bit of a smell. good. it's my smell, my territory.
hm. a subtle putridity. fitting for the room of a ghost of a corpse.
disinfect and sterilize the walls, replace the mattress, rip up the carpets and bleach the floorboards underneath, cover them back up, fresh and new, paint the ceiling, open the windows, light the incense, drive yourself crazy, tear up the new carpet, break open the walls, rip out the insulation, pry up the floorboards, the smell should be gone, why can you still smell it? why can you still smell me?
because it is incorporeal.
i am it. it is me. this thing that i am.
walking corpse? i don't know if it's extreme enough to be considered cotard syndrome. it's likely just my personal brand of dissociation. no connection to this body, no attachment to this body, i am already dead.
i feel hunger but no drive to eat. i feel horny but no drive to fuck. i feel itchy and dirty but no drive to bathe. and part of this me-thing does think, beyond a reasonable doubt, "what's the point, if i'm already dead?"
but is it psychotic delusion, or is it a product of my needs being neglected as a child?
can it be both?
whatever. i actually have a good shrink now, so i don't have to speculate. she can tell me what she thinks.
where was i going with this? what was the point? that's me talking to myself. i'm asking myself, what was my original point? i could get worse?
well, i've had breaks in reality before. i don't know if i could say 'psychotic breaks' because, again, i don't know if it's psychosis that i experience. either way, it's feasible. i've been delusional before. paranoid.
i could get worse.
as i uncover more of my past trauma.
as i get older.
as i experience new stressors or traumas.
my mind is already built to fracture. it never got to be whole in the first place.
i could get better.
as i learn to accept what's happened to me.
as i learn to cope.
as i learn from past experience.
i'm fucked but not broken beyond repair— or— repurpose— or— reclamation.
the reality is this: i will get worse. AND. i will get better.
but,
which parts of me need to get better? me not bathing doesn't harm you. me not eating doesn't harm you. me staying home doesn't harm you. me being sexually attracted to guns and chains and machinery, and fantasizing about being hurt physically and emotionally doesn't harm you. i don't give a fuck if you don't like it, is it hurting you?
anyway. weather's perfect for a walk. do you do small talk? i don't.
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Herzausnaht
I also like smelling my own stink (Well it doesn't really smell bad??? it smells good)
Can't say this to anyone obviously, I also tend to smell better after I don't use any soap when showering idk why that is
using soap too often strips your body of its natural oils and beneficial bacterias that control odors among other things. i noticed the longer i went without bathing, the longer it started taking for the stink to become noticeable. i look dirty but i don't smell until you get in my personal space, and at that point, what are you even doing?
i don't like being approached by people so looking grungy makes most people think twice about staying to talk. i've seen others here with the same sentiment. it feels good to have that kind of power, i guess, over what people think of me and how they react.
by CHAIN; ; Report